Bailey’s Birth Story: Part Three- The Truth About the Aftermath

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Doctor Stuff, Family, Newborn, Postpartum Depression, Sleep | 11 Comments

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am able to write about this. I feel like it’s behind me now, so I can deal with it, if that makes sense. I’m not writing this post so that people can say, “Oh, poor Tara, she really had it rough.” Like I said, it’s over and done with. My reason for writing this is so that you know how crazy your hormones can go after birth. I am so thankful for my friend’s story about her postpartum depression.

Statistically, I was not a candidate for postpartum depression. They told us about it in the childbirth classes. I have heard about it from friends. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and figured if I did have it a little bit, I would just force myself to “get over it.” I had a fairly easy pregnancy- I know I griped about swelling and stuff like that at the end, but no real complications. Bailey’s labor and delivery was great. My physical recovery was very easy. I didn’t have pain from the stitches, I didn’t need incontinence supplies, I didn’t have pain from the epidural.

The first time I put her to breast in the hospital, she did fine. After that, she would not latch on. Well, I should say she had a very lazy latch and the nurses kept pulling her off. This was very stressful for me. I have no idea if this was the beginning of me going downhill or not. I found myself crying a lot in the hospital. I was having a lot of trouble breastfeeding, and I was exhausted. I thought I really loved Bailey, but I just wasn’t sure what to do with her. And I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. I mean, come on, I have been around tons of babies before. But my own? Whole new ballgame. I became terrified of going home. The lactation nurse helped me make a breastfeeding plan. I felt like I was begging her to give me a shred of hope, and she did that. It involved supplementing with formula. If I had to do this over again, I would not go that route, but I think it’s what helped me make it through this time.

The first day or two we were at home were pretty good. We were adjusting to having a baby. Jonathon was very supportive. Bailey was (and still is) a very good baby. She liked to sleep, and she didn’t have to be rocked to sleep. However, the second day we were at home I had a breakdown. I confessed that I wasn’t sure if we had made the right decision about having a baby. (Bailey- if you ever read this- that was just my hormones, I promise!)

When Bailey was four days old, we left her with my parents and went to a wedding. I was convinced things were going to be good and easy. It would get better, right? We were capable of leaving the baby, getting a sitter, and going out in public. This baby thing couldn’t be too hard. But things got worse from there. I dreaded seeing anyone other than Jonathon and my mom, for some reason. People from church were bringing us meals and I didn’t know what to do when they came over. I would sit for hours in Bailey’s room and cry- about stuff like what if she died when she was a teenager, what if she went away to college and didn’t need me anymore, what if she liked Jonathon better, what if she grew up too fast and started preschool and I missed her. Not very rational.

It got worse. I was not able to eat anything. Literally, food made me gag. My mom had to sit with me and force feed me with a spoon (yeah, that’s embarrassing). Even ice cream and pizza were not appealing. And let me tell you, I’ve never been one to turn down food! I spent most of the time in my room, in the dark, sleeping. At first I thought I was just tired from having a new baby, but then I realized something was Really Wrong. Whenever I thought about Bailey, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that I wanted to love her, I really did… she was so cute, but I just couldn’t feel any attachment. It was really frustrating and depressing.

It got even worse. I couldn’t come out of my room. My memories of her newborn days are of me laying in bed crying. I would lay in bed and my heart would race. My mom and Jonathon and sometimes other people took care of her out in the living room. She had a lot of formula because I felt like throwing up when I had to feed her. Horrible anxiety, I think. Friends called, and I told them everything was great. I knew in my heart that I would never have another baby. I think I even told Jonathon that if he wanted another child, we were adopted a toddler. Any time Bailey cried, I ran out of my room and freaked out. I wanted to help, I didn’t know what to do, I cried, I felt like a failure as a mother. And she was such a good baby. I was unable to make decision about anything. My mind just wasn’t functioning. I felt like I was in this weird surreal haze.

I was really mental at this point. My mom gave me a bracelet with a heart on it (I’m sure some of you have seen it). I remember thinking that as long as I kept that bracelet on, I could cope. Jonathon kept trying to give Bailey bottles and letting me sleep. I was terrified, because I had wanted to breastfeed. She did not have a bath for the first two weeks of her life because I was scared to do that as well. We did not leave the house except to go to the pediatrician for her many weight checks. The pediatrician’s office made me sick to my stomach. You can tell by how pale I am in this picture that I wasn’t doing well. I was fake smiling, but I felt like a zombie.

Somewhere around two weeks old, Jonathon suggested again that we call the doctor. I did it. I remember I was crying and my hands were shaking as I talked to my OB. I kept telling her something was Really Wrong. She told me it was okay and it wasn’t my fault. She prescribed Zoloft and some anti-anxiety pills. I remember thinking that something had to get better or I couldn’t go on like this. Was I suicidal? Not sure. I don’t think I would have ever done anything like that, but I didn’t really want to live another sixty years in the dark of my bedroom.

After I started the medication, it got worse before it got better. My appetite continued to decrease. It’s amazing that I still kept on so much of that baby weight during this time I started having anxiety attacks. I remember laying in bed at night and waking up screaming. Jonathon called my mom several times to come over and help with me. Not the baby, me. I didn’t even care. I felt like when she was there, I could go on. When I was alone, I couldn’t cope. Apparently they had agreed not to leave me alone, but I didn’t know this. My mom took vacation from work to take care of me. After about a week on the Zoloft, I called my doctor and she switched me to Prozac. It’s amazing what that stuff does. I gradually got better. Within two weeks of starting that, my mom and I were going to the mall with Bailey, going out to lunch, and I felt capable of being a mother.

I stopped begging everyone to tell me it would get better. I knew it would. I am thankful that I had such good family to support me. I can’t say that I am thankful for my friends at that time, because I never told anyone what was going on until later. I didn’t want to look like a failure or like I was crazy. When Jonathon’s parents came in town, I hid in my room. I wish I could still hide from them in my room, to tell you the truth.

There are a lot of other scary parts that I did not write about here. I guess the main things I dealt with were sleeping all the time, then bouts of insomnia, then night terrors and anxiety, loss of appetite, panic attacks, feeling like a failure with Bailey, failing to bond with Bailey (or at least I felt like it even though I tried), feeling like I wanted to love her but wasn’t sure how I felt, being terrified of the baby… I just hope that anyone reading this will remember what I went through, so that if they ever experience anything like this, they will know to get help. Calling my OB was the best thing I have ever done. If you feel yourself starting to go down this road, please ask for help early on. Don’t wait to see if it gets better. Maybe it will, but this is no way to spend the first weeks of your baby’s life. I am thankful that it didn’t take longer for me to get better.

Bailey’s Birth Story, Part Two: The Recovery

Filed Under Birth, Doctor Stuff, Newborn | 5 Comments

I wrote Bailey’s birth story back in May, but since giving birth to my little angel, I have actually had a lot of people ask me questions about the recovery. Now that I am thinking about it, that’s the part that I was the most worried about going into the whole thing. Not taking care of the baby, not contractions, just recovering- especially if I had to get stitches!

Let me preface this post by saying that there will be quite a bit of TMI here. Read at your own risk.

So I guess I pushed for somewhere around 35 minutes, and she was out. Almost immediately it seemed like they put her on my chest. She wasn’t the gross goopy thing I thought she would be. I loved her right away. I cried. I was not in any sort of pain, which was odd because I felt lots of pain during the pushing (specifically as her head and shoulders came out, so thank goodness it was only like five-ten minutes).

After I held her for a second and checked to make sure that she really WAS a girl, the nurses took her back I guess to do Apgars and to wipe her off and everything. That was when my OB, Dr. K, pushed on my uterus a little bit and the placenta or whatever came out. That was also painless and I did not see anything. Then she told me she would have to stitch me up a little bit. I was like, “What? Did I have an episiotomy?” She told me that I had torn just a little bit (I knew before this that she did not routinely do episiotomies, unless the tear was going to be worse without it). I remember being surprised, because no one told me I was tearing. I also realized that must have been what the horrible burning pain was. I thought the point of an epidural was to not have pain? It numbed the contractions completely, but I felt everything in the hoo hoo area. Or at least that’s what it seemed like.

WHen she started doing the stitching, I noticed there was a massive amount of blood on her clothes. At first I thought it was from me, but looking back I’m sure it was from when Bailey came out, not from my tearing The stitches weren’t too bad. This was the part I was dreading. I could feel what felt like tiny pin pricks here and there, but that was it. It wasn’t even enough to make me tense up or anything. At one point, she told me she had gone all the way down and would have to work her way up again. Also something about a second-degree tear. So I guess I had a decent amount of stitches, but I honestly never asked or looked.

After I was all stitched up and Bailey was clean, we both got to hold her again. I think Jonathon was holding her while I was being stitched as well. Then we had my parents come in to see her. I still was not in any pain. I ate chicken tenders, a grilled cheese sandwich, some fries, and some sort of chocolate cake/brownie thing. And I drank a Diet Coke. I had been hungry since like noon.

Once my parents left, a nurse helped me to the bathroom. I remember being really scared to walk there. It wasn’t bad. I peed for like ten minutes I think, and then she wiped my hoo hoo for me. If I had any modesty left, that’s the point where it all disappeared. She also helped me with the underwear and ice pack situation. If you haven’t given birth before, you should know not to expect to wear your own undies. The hospital gives you these awesome disposable underwear that are like a mesh one-size-fits-all thing. The healing process is a little messy in the beginning, so it’s great just to be able to toss these in the trash.

Once we were done with that, she took us to our regular room. I was in a wheelchair and carried Bailey. I remember being so proud of her. I wished it wasn’t midnight so that everyone could see my beautiful little girl as we went down the hall. I think Jonathon walked and carried our stuff. When we were in our room, we snuggled with Bailey for a while and I had to ask for help to go to the bathroom again. They make you call the nurse the first few times. Once I went to bed, I had a horrible time sleeping. I was exhausted, but I was so hot I just laid there and sweated. When the nurse came in to do my vitals around 3 a.m. I asked her if I had a fever from an infection. She told me that night sweats were very normal for a while after delivery. I finally drifted off but I think I woke up again around 7 when the pediatrician came.

The whole hospital stay was crazy. I was having lots of problems breastfeeding. Bailey just would not latch on right. We saw several lactation nurses. We had a few visitors- just family and like three friends. If I had it to do over again, I would insist on no visitors except the grandparents. I was so tired, and in no mood to chit chat. I didn’t want to coordinate my baby’s feeding around when people were coming. I needed that time to myself, but I didn’t know it then.

After about 24-36 hours I was able to stop wearing an icepack in my underwear. Oh, the icepacks. They are actually a newborn size Pampers diaper. They cut a hole in the lining and stick ice in there. Then they wrap up the diaper like a burrito and secure the tabs so that the ice gets absorbed as it melts. Great idea! On top of that I had the world’s largest maxi pad, and then on top of that I had three Tucks pads lined up in a row. I really had a completely pain-free recovery. My stitches never bothered me. I never felt them, and I never had to do sitz baths. I called my doctor at one point because I was worried that something was wrong, but she said I was just fortunate.

We waited until well after the six week postpartum checkup before we had sex again. Although my physical recovery was great, I was an emotional trainwreck. But more about that another day. I’m going to bed.

Edited to add: I think I stopped the heavy postpartum bleeding around a week and a half. I didn’t completely stop bleeding for almost five weeks. I still have not had a period- but I am almost exclusively breastfeeding so hopefully that makes it hold off a little longer!

Wordless Wednesday- Late Afternoon Shadows

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This picture was taken just a few hours before we came home from the hospital but I never posted it and it’s one of my favorites.

My First Mother’s Day

Filed Under Daddy, Holidays, Newborn | 3 Comments

It was great! Jonathon really outdid himself making it special for me. We spent the afternoon and evening at my parents house, hanging out and eating dinner and watching the Survivor finale. He made a card for me and drew a really cute picture of our family on it, holding hands I got two gifts from him: a diamond butterfly pendant necklace and a pair of butterfly earrings that were “from Bailey.” Her room is decorated in butterflies, so this was actually more meaningful than it sounds. He did a great job picking everything out and I’ll have to take a picture of the jewelry soon so that I can post it. Also we had chocolate cake with Buttercream icing, which is my favorite.

The only bummer is that Bailey hadn’t pooped in over 24 hours, so she wasn’t in the greatest mood, and I was worried that she was going to have a blowout so I made the mistake of changing her out of her cute little dress before we took pictures. Oh well.

Four Weeks

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Happy four week birthday, sweetie! I can’t believe you have been out of me for that long already. You have already grown and changed so much… Your little fingers and cheeks are chubbier than they were when you were born. You love to watch people and even some of your toys now. You are holding your head up so well. You are sleeping in three and a half to five hour stretches at night. We just love you so much and we’re so proud of you!

Silly Girl and Feet

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I was noticing how peaceful Bailey looked sleeping in my lap on her Boppy, so I reached over and grabbed my camera.

Then right after I took that picture, she stuck her tongue out.

I wish I could take one of those really cool, artsy pictures of her feet where it’s close up and in black and white… but my camera gets blurry if I get any closer than this so I’ll have to settle for just a regular picture of some really cute toes

Weekend Pics

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Here are a few pictures from this weekend. We have already taken several hundred in the three short weeks she’s been alive

I think she’s going to be a blondie!

First time wearing a dress, for Great Grandpa’s birthday

With her Great Grandpa

With Grampa (my dad)

Cinco de Mayo

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We are all doing well and adjusting to our new way of life. We have started to get out of the house a little more, including two shopping trips and Bailey’s first party!

Asleep in the bouncy seat (Mommy forgot to put her headrest in first- her poor little neck!)

Bathtime might be a disaster, but at least this tub is good for napping in She has had her first bath now but it was way too traumatic to stop and take pictures during the actual event.

First time wearing shoes- all ready for the big party!

Cinco de Mayo party at Jen and Aaron’s house

All worn out and sleeping like an angel!

Shopping Adventure

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We (my mom, Grandma, Bailey, and I) went to Kohl’s today. I can’t even describe how GOOD it felt to go to a store. I felt really normal. Despite the fact that I was pushing a stroller through the store- hey, I’ve done that before with my nanny jobs- so it was nice just to go shopping. About twenty minutes into the trip Bailey decided she was done with the stroller and I put her in the sling and she slept the rest of the time we were there. I’m sure we were in the store well over an hour. By the time we were in the car on the way home she was getting hungry, but if we had still been there I would have sat down and fed her.

Besides getting out of the house, I also got a birthday present for my grandpa and some picture frames for Bailey’s pictures. Oops that just reminded me that I STILL need to order her hospital pictures. I sent out other pictures in her birth announcements so ordering those has gotten kind of delayed. I just want to get a small package “just to have” even though I like her other pictures that I sent out a lot better.

Tomorrow we are planning to go to the mall. I have lots of gift cards and Bath and Body Works/Victoria’s Secret coupons to use. We are bringing the whole diaper bag this time so we can feed the baby while there and hopefully have a relaxing day. I guess we’ll do both the stroller and sling again so we can switch her between them. Besides, the stroller makes a really nice shopping cart and they don’t have those at the mall

Baby Gym and Sling

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Yesterday we got out Bailey’s Baby Einstein Gym and she seems to like it fairly well. If we move the little toys on it she will focus on one and watch it for a few minutes. She hasn’t seemed to notice the lights and music aspect of it yet.

We have also had some success yesterday and today with the sling. If she has a full belly it goes much better. Tonight she has been in it for about an hour now. At first she was facing out and kind of leaning back against me (like in the picture) then after I took her out to change her diaper I put her in a cradle position and she is falling asleep as I type.

She loves spending time with Daddy when he gets home from work- and of course he can’t wait to see her! He hasn’t gotten home later than 5:00 since he went back to work.

Almost Two Weeks Old

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Late night with Daddy

I love those stretchy little arms

Our friends Sarah and Josh came to visit and brought us a really good meal

First time being held by Jon’s parents

So many grandmas to love me

Bailey seems to get easier and more alert every day. It’s hard to believe she’s almost two weeks old already. I love to watch her Daddy with her- he is just completely in love with her and already so caring and protective.

Jonathon’s parents are still in town. Not exactly sure when they are leaving… we are starting to feel more settled in now and I am looking forward to more friends coming to visit now. She is still sleeping very well during the night. We are not supposed to let her go more than four hours without eating so we are still setting the alarm clock- but I have been noticing that about five minutes before my alarm goes off she wakes up. She never wakes up screaming, I can just hear her scooting around a little bit in her bed and doing her dramatic breathing. She is such a doll baby.

Last night we had dinner at my parents, so that was our first official “outing” other than the doctor. And today I went by myself to a bridal shower (and yes, someone actually ASKED me if I left the baby ALONE at home! Mae has told me people ask this but it’s really true!)

Give me some hope!

Filed Under Newborn, Sleep, Thoughts | 9 Comments

Someone please tell me this gets easier each day. I thought it was getting easier, and then today Bailey cried and cried and ate and ate and that’s all we did all day long. Literally. She was awake for like five hours, then took a half hour catnap, and now is awake with Daddy while I take a break.

I love her. I really do. She is adorable and I am so thankful for her. But this newborn thing is SO hard! I feel like a zombie who sleeps and feeds the baby. I miss my life. That kind of sounds selfish- but tomorrow I am going out to buy a bridal shower gift and I am so looking forward to getting out of the house (alone) for the first time since the birth, other than pediatrician visits. And then on Sunday, I get to go out AGAIN to go to the shower.

Jonathon’s parents are only here until Sunday, and they aren’t staying with us, but it’s still stressful for me to have them around. They just feel like “company” and not family even though they are trying so hard to be helpful. And I can’t feed the baby in front of them even though they told me to. BUT the good news is that it’s the weekend, so I won’t feel guilty waking Jonathon up to keep me company at all hours. And my mom took next week and the week after off work to come help me and take me out to lunch and stuff like that. Try to start a more “normal” existence, if possible.

Just encourage me that it won’t always be this hard. SHe will adjust. We will adjust. And I won’t be in this weird haze forever. Please tell me that’s true.

One Week Old

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We are all still hanging in there. Feeding continues to improve- no formula at all during the day today but sometimes she needs it at night, just like a half ounce after feeding to help her get to sleep. I can deal with that. We had to get a prescription called in today for eye drops. She has a blocked tear duct and it had gotten really goopy today, but it already seems to be improving with two rounds of the drops. My mom has been over a lot to help us, so that has been a huge blessing. I didn’t realize how much help I would need. We are looking forward to Jonathon’s parents coming in town on Friday. They haven’t gotten to see Bailey yet.

Big smiles

Burping with Daddy (a.k.a. naptime)

Trying to figure out the sling- and I look pretty rough!

Sleeping on Gram

Professional Pictures, Pediatrician, Wedding

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Here is the link to see Bailey’s first “professional” photos, taken at the hospital, one day old.

http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage.asp?UrlID=5162391010

Her visit to the pediatrician went well. Her jaundice is apparently under control and not a concern. Her weight was 7 lbs 1 oz, so she hasn’t lost any weight since leaving the hospital, which is good because my milk hadn’t come in yet when we left.

Speaking of which, the feeding is going much, much better. We are down to just supplementing with maybe a half ounce of formula at a time, at the end of feedings. She eats very, very slowly but it gives Mommy lots of time to hold her

Here are our most recent pictures, from our adventure to the pediatrician and a wedding Jonathon and I went to last night (just the ceremony, Bailey stayed at our house with Gram and Grampa, but I couldn’t miss it for anything!) The bride was absolutely beautiful and it was a lovely ceremony. Darn postpartum hormones, I started crying when the first song played and the grandmothers walked in!

And just a few pictures around the house. How many pictures of a sleeping baby can we take? I am ridiculously, completely, and totally in love with her.

First Day at Home

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Quick updates:

We have been home a full 24 hours now. The first night was very rough, but Bailey will NOT be sleeping in our room again so that we can get some sleep. Breastfeeding is going a little better. I have noticed a big improvement since about early afternoon today. We got some much-needed rest this afternoon when my mom came by. I have had a few freakouts but for the most part things have been good.