Happy 6 Week Birthday, Little Buddy

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Milestones, One Month- Taylor, Weight | 1 Comment

Today Taylor is six weeks old! Time is absolutely flying by. Even faster than it did when Bailey was this age. He is doing a little better with letting me put him down (although still just for a minute or two at a time!) and he has also slept in his bed for about an hour or two the past few nights. Baby steps, right? I had my six week postpartum check today. Got the “green light” for all activities. Yikes. But that means I can get my gym membership in the next few weeks, which I am really looking forward to. Now I have to lose the weight from two babies since I never lost after Bailey! The nurses all passed Taylor around today and commented on how cute he is. My OB’s nurse also said, “Wow, he looks JUST like Bailey!” Anyone who really knows her can see the similarity between them. I love it.

This picture was taken yesterday after Taylor rolled from front to back FOUR TIMES on his own. The day before he was six weeks old. Looks like we might have another early mover…

Moved to the NICU

Filed Under Birth- Taylor, Difficult Stuff, Doctor Stuff, NICU, Newborn- Taylor | 2 Comments

About a half hour after Taylor was born, he started making little grumbly noises. You know how babies grunt and grumble when they’re itty bitty? We thought that’s what he was doing. Just before we got ready to move to our new room in Mom and Baby, the nurse started seeming a little concerned about him. She mentioned that she would check on him again in a few minutes. When she checked back, she said she would like the house pediatrician to come see him.

We moved to our other room, and Bailey and Grammy and Grandpa came to visit. After they had been there for about ten minutes the pediatrician came in. She checked Taylor over for about five minutes and then told me that she would be taking him down to the Special Care nursery (nice way to say NICU, lol) to run some tests. I was a little nervous at this point- all kinds of things flash through your head, from heart problems (I had a CHD) to cystic fibrosis to collapsed lung to tumors. Seriously. She said they would let me know when I could come see him, that it would be an hour or so.

I need to get his full medical charts from the hospital just to satisfy my own curiosity. I know some of the tests they did included CT Scan, x rays, and lots of bloodwork. The neonatologist, who was one of the nicest ladies ever, came down to my room to discuss the results. She sat down next to my bed and that’s when I really panicked. But the news wasn’t too bad. She told me he had been diagnosed with transient tachypnea which was basically temporary rapid breathing. They thought it was caused by two things: Immature lungs since he was two days shy of being a preemie, and fluid in his lungs. During a normal labor and delivery, the baby spends time in the birth canal, which compresses their lungs and helps remove the fluid. With such a quick birth, Taylor didn’t get much time in the birth canal! She said this condition is more common with c-section babies.

She also told me they would be starting him on an antibiotic just to be on the safe side. I believe he got both ampicillin and gentamyacin twice a day through his IV. She said his blood count was “borderline” for infection and they would re-evaluate after 48 hours and either take him off the IV or run a full seven day course. So we knew he had a minimum two day stay in the NICU. I was so disappointed that he would not be a “normal” baby at the hospital. I wouldn’t be able to hold him whenever I wanted, and keep him in my room during the day, and have visitors come see him. It’s funny how much that can throw off your whole experience with a newborn, when it’s not how you expected it to be. Especially after having a first child with no complications and a normal hospital stay.

I don’t think anything could have prepared me for going down to the NICU that afternoon and seeing my little guy look like this.

I wasn’t able to hold him for a few more hours. At this point he was on a CPAP and they said as long as he was doing well on that he would not need to be intubated. The tube in his mouth was a feeding tube but they were actually using it to release the pressure from his belly. Since the CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) forces air in, they said it would give him gas unless they helped remove it. The leads on his chest were for his heartrate and respiration rate monitors. The duck was for temperature control, since he was under a warmer. His whole right arm was wrapped so that he couldn’t pull his IV out of his hand. He was getting fluids through the IV most of the day and then the antibiotics just twice a day. His foot had a pulse ox monitor. At first his oxygen saturation levels were around 85-90% I think, whereas ideal is 99/100.

It is so hard to not just stare at the monitors all the time. There is constant beeping and then just watch the numbers skyrocket or drop. In his case, typically his RR would go way high (what should have been 25-40 would shoot up to 80+) and his oxygen sats would drop to the 80s. Sometimes the nurses would rush over and adjust him, other times they would just poke a button on the monitor and tell me not to worry about it. They kept saying, “Don’t watch the monitors, watch your baby. You can tell how he is doing by watching him.”

I think that first day, I got to hold him once in the afternoon, and once in the evening when my mom came up. He was not allowed to be held by anyone other than me or Jonathon because he was “too sick” which was heartbreaking to hear.

I went down to see him one last time before bed, and I just stood next to his crib and cried.

Taylor’s Birth Story

Filed Under Are you kidding me?, Birth- Taylor, Doctor Stuff, Newborn- Taylor, Second Pregnancy | 11 Comments

Now that he is a week old, I decided it was high time to write Taylor’s birth story before I forget the details. Things have been a little crazy at our house since he came home.

On Wednesday, February 17th my nesting mode kicked into high gear. I was on a mission to make sure EVERYTHING was finished. I took Bailey to her last cooking class, then went and did grocery shopping. During her nap, I baked brownies, wrote some thank you notes, and got a few packages ready to mail out (clothing etc I sold online). That night, I went to church with Bailey to work doing childcare for the Wednesday night events. I sat in a chair and relaxed and it was actually a pretty low-key evening. Bailey and I stopped by the church library to get a few new movies. I asked to have them for a month just in case I had the baby early, so I didn’t have to worry about returning them.

On the way home, I started having what felt like an achy lower back and period cramps. That had happened on and off for about a week but just a slight, dull ache. Once I got home I ate a bowl of cereal and took a warm bath and I felt much better. I woke up a few times during the night thinking my back was still achy but it wasn’t even worth taking Tylenol for. Around 5:45 a.m. I woke up having what I thought were mild contractions. Around 6:00 I woke Jonathon up and told him what was going on. At this point the pain was still just crampy.

I got up and washed the dishes that were in the sink and switched the laundry to the dryer. The contractions were consistently about 5-8 minutes apart but starting to be stronger. I called my mom to see if she could get ready in case we needed her to come over. She suggested that I call my doctor’s exchange and ask them what to do. The doctor on call said that since it was my second baby and I was already at least 3 cm I should go ahead and come in to L and D. My mom headed over and I got in the shower. Bailey woke up at some point during this and was excited about Grammy coming.

While I was in the shower my contractions got noticeably stronger. I got out and tried to put on makeup and get ready. About halfway through blow drying my hair they really started hurting and I gave up. I think the contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart. At this point I just told Jonathon we needed to leave. It was about 7:20. Once we got in the car everything went a little crazy. The pain really got bad but I was trying to decide whether or not we should drive through McDonalds and get some breakfast. (Obviously I was not really being rational at this point!) Then I decided to scrap that idea and hurry up and get to the hospital so I could get my epidural. The contractions started coming almost every minute after this and I was panicking a little bit. I was yelling at Jonathon to go around the traffic- of course it had to be morning rush hour- and at one point I thought I should get out and walk instead. He cut a few corners and we made it to the hospital. The last five or ten minutes I could feel a lot of pressure from the baby. I kept saying, “This is not okay. He’s going to come out.” I was panicking.

When we got to the hospital I jumped out of the car to go up to the maternity floor. I told him to park and meet me inside. The woman at the desk was all calm and slow and I was like, “MY BABY IS COMING OUT!” I think she thought I was exaggerating, then I about doubled over against the couch and she got on the phone to call a nurse. I was checked in at 7:55 a.m. and they took me straight back to a delivery room. When we got in the room I told them I needed to pee before getting into bed. When I sat down to pee my water broke but I don’t think I was even aware of it. I was fairly sure I was going to die from the pain. They put a gown on me and helped me into the bed. The house OB checked me and I was 8 cm at this point. I remember having either two or three really strong contractions where I freaked out. The nurse was yelling at me to look in her eyes and breathe with her.

I started asking where the anesthesiologist was. They said they had called her and she was on her way. I was saying, “I can’t do this, I swear I can’t, I need an epidural.” But it also felt like I was ready to push. They told me I had two options, I could either wait and lay still and get the epidural, or I could go ahead and push him out. The nurse said if it was her she would just push because it would help with the pain and it would be over sooner. I asked if it was okay since I was only at 8. They said that I was probably at 10 and they went to check me and they were like, “oh, he’s right there and he has hair!” I believe I pushed once for his head and either once or twice at the shoulders. I could feel him slide out. The actual pushing didn’t really hurt compared to the contractions so I was glad I just went ahead and did it. But that’s the story of how I gave birth without an epidural!

The house OB was the one who delivered Taylor. My OB walked in just a few minutes later. Apparently the anesthesiologist got there while I was pushing, too. They let me hold him right away and he was MAD. He was still really covered in white stuff from being a little early. They cut his cord (Jonathon didn’t care about doing it this time, he said it was kind of weird and not a big deal). She said I had torn a little bit but it was very minimal. I said that I did NOT want stitches after I had done all that without drugs. She said since it stopped bleeding with pressure that I could skip the stitches. Taylor’s APGAR scores were 8 at one minute and 9 at five minutes.

He was 7 pounds exactly, and 19 inches long. He arrived at 37 weeks 3 days.

Look at his proud daddy!

In love with my little man…

First family photo

Heading off to my room!

37 Week Checkup

Filed Under Baby Gear, Doctor Stuff, Second Pregnancy, Week by Week | 1 Comment

Today at my dr’s appointment, she said, “Congratulations! You have a full-term baby!” Thank you, God, for letting me carry this baby for 37 weeks. I am always convinced that I am going to have an early unexpected delivery for some reason. I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks with Baby Boy inside me. Even right now he is thumping. I think he has the hiccups. His heartbeat has been consistently around 140 at every checkup.

I am starting to really look forward to meeting him, to holding him and kissing his little face and rubbing his peach fuzz hair against my cheek. It’s going to be so soon. While I’m not completely ready, I’m ready enough. My heart is full of love and hope and nervous flutters. My bag is (finally) packed. His clothes are all washed and put away. The baby swing a friend so kindly loaned us is waiting in the living room. Grandma has been sleeping with her cell phone next to her at night in case she needs to come watch Bailey. Our fridge is empty, so I need to take care of that. Or else Jonathon can…. whatever… that is not a priority right now. My big priorities are relaxing, snuggling with my daughter as much as possible while she is still my only visible child, and trying to be nice to my husband.

And the good news? I am now at 3 centimeters- a welcome change from the HALF centimeter last week! Yay for progress!

36 Week Checkup

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Gender, Second Pregnancy, Symptoms, Two and a half years old | 5 Comments

Today I had my 36 week appointment at the OB’s office. So here is my official TMI warning. If you don’t want to hear about my cervix, stop reading.
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After a freakishly uncomfortable internal exam (really, I don’t remember it being that bad before!) she told me that I was only a HALF centimeter dilated. I almost cried… but then she told me that my cervix is thinned and soft and the baby’s head is against it. So- that means that he has officially dropped. No wonder I feel like I’m waddling lately. Bailey never actually “dropped” until I was in labor at the hospital with her. That also explains all the pinchy feelings I keep getting in that area!

I also got swabbed for Butt Strep, a.k.a. Group B Strep. So we’ll get those results next week. I’m assuming I don’t have it, I didn’t when I was pregnant before, but who knows. Who even knew your butt could GET strep? Gross…

Baby Boy’s heartbeat was in the low 140s as it has been at every checkup since about 12 weeks. So far he is holding true to the old wives tale about heart rate. I also got a new prescription written for my prenatals so I can start getting them filled at the grocery store where they are now free!

Bailey did surprisingly well during the checkup. She sat in the chair and looked at pictures in a magazine. And wiggled a lot, and told the doctor she was going to be a doctor when she grows up. And then she said, “Dr. _____, I have a question for you.” So the doctor tried to ask what her question was but all she would say was “It’s a question about Grammy.” Then she hopped up on the table after I was done, leaned back, opened her legs and said, “My turn for a checkup!”

32 Weeks Pregnant (Bonus: Belly Shot)

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Friends, Second Pregnancy, Two and a half years old | 1 Comment

1/10/2010

I am officially 32 weeks pregnant! I have been feeling so good. The swelling that I have is really minor compared to my pregnancy with Bailey. I will have to look back at my blog to see when that got worse. I have not had heartburn since around 22-24 weeks…. except for the night I thought I was invincible and ate chili. Baby Boy continues to move a lot and I enjoy seeing my belly wiggle when I’m laying on the couch. My doctor’s appointments have all been fine- no concerns, nothing out of the ordinary. Got my rhogam (sp?) shot at 28 weeks and I am going every other week now. No contractions yet (at this point with Bailey I had already had some). I found out our pediatrician goes on vacation March 11th so I am hoping this little guy is here on time so she can see him in the hospital!

We were at Sarah and Ryan’s house the other night and she got a few belly shots of me. And of my extra chin. Yikes.

And a cute one of the girls playing together-

It’s a…

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Gender, Second Pregnancy, This Rocks | 13 Comments

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BOY!

We’re so excited! I didn’t even realize how much I wanted a little boy until I found out! The ultrasound took over two hours- after it got started a full hour late- because they were training someone. This isn’t my regular doctor but the women’s center for fetal something or other at the hospital. Then the longest ultrasound ever, then the big doctor came in to check the baby’s heart because I had heart surgery as a baby. Everything looks great and there are no abnormalities anywhere, all body parts are present and accounted for. God is so good!

So this week has been fun…

Filed Under Allergies, Are you kidding me?, Asthma, Difficult Stuff, Doctor Stuff, Firsts, Sick, Two Years Old | 8 Comments

We started out with a visit to the pediatrician on Monday because Bailey had trouble breathing during the night. Once again, her lungs were fine, ears were fine, nose was fine, etc and no explanation for the breathing or chronic coughing. They assume it’s her allergies again. Meanwhile I am getting much less sleep than I need to be.

Tuesday her coughing seemed to be getting worse. Then Tuesday night she fell and busted her head open… resulting in an ambulance ride and a night at the hospital. The reason we called the ambulance- other than the massive bleeding- was because she started falling asleep right away. I actually sat on my front porch to make sure the ambulance could find us. It’s funny the things you do when you panic. I had the sense to change my shirt and grab my phone and charger on the way out the door too. The police and firetruck showed up first because the ambulance came from another district. She started calming down right away because she was excited about all the sirens and lights. Silly girl. We rode with the lights on but not the siren because they didn’t want to scare her. She had to sit on my lap on the stretcher- the other option was them strapping her down alone which was just not going to happen.

They were able to use glue instead of stitches or staples on her injury. I was glad because it is supposed to scar less. The worst part was holding her down to get it washed out- it took the doctor, two nurses, and Jonathon and me to do it. Then after we were released she started throwing up so we had to spend the night at the hospital. Several drugs, an IV, and a ct-scan later, we were released. Her results were all normal and we were told to keep her head dry for a few days, limit her activity, and don’t let her bump anything. That was Wednesday morning so my mom picked her up and let Jonathon and I sleep and get stuff done around the house.

By the way if anyone knows how to get blood out of your carpet, please let me know. Of course it’s right at the top of our stairs near the entryway. I have gotten it to fade but not a whole lot. I have been looking for something also to pad our doorway with. She needs some kind of fall protection or corner guards. The spot where she hit her head was in the doorway to our kitchen. It’s one of those cut out doorways that doesn’t have a door frame in it- basically drywall with metal in the corners or something. Probably the hardest place she could possibly have hit her head of course. So we need to fix that. The things that you don’t think of babyproofing until your child gets hurt…

Wednesday she seemed to be recovering from the head injury but she started coughing until she threw up. Back to the pediatrician on Thursday morning about the coughing (again) and to get her head checked. Her ped ran a test and had us do a chest x ray. The conclusion is that she most likely has cough-variant asthma which would explain why she coughs all night long for weeks at a time. We are borrowing a nebulizer for two weeks and if that stops the coughing then we will talk about a preventative treatment plan and visit a specialist. They think it is allergy-induced because it’s much much worse in spring and fall, and seems to come along with a runny nose. Yesterday we did her breathing treatments every four hours, once during the night, and today we have spaced them back to every six hours. She has only coughed a handful of times (even in the night) since starting them. So I think this is working!

As much as I hate for my child to have asthma- it could be SO much worse. I know someone whose three year old just got diagnosed with CF, and I kept thinking of all the crazy things that could be causing the coughing. I am thankful to have an answer and that it is getting better now.

The first few treatments, she hated it. Now she will hold the mask herself if I let her sit in front of the tv while we do it. That’s a small price to pay to avoid two of us holding her down for the entire treatment!

My Busy Day

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Fifteen Months, Home Sweet Home, Movies, Toys | 3 Comments

Today was a busy day for me. The morning started off by Bailey climbing out of her highchair. Then the carpet guy came to reclean our downstairs carpet. You know, the cat pee carpet? Well apparently the pet odor treatment didn’t work because after a few days the smell was back. (And to think Jonathon wanted to spend money on stuff like cat trees and condos for this stupid cat). The guy who they sent out today did injections into the carpet padding and onto the floorboard. We are hoping this works. If not we get refunded and have to buy new carpet. A friend of mine mentioned today, she thought we had already gotten new carpet. Well that was abandoned last minute due to money being needed for other things. So cross your fingers that this carpet cleaning works!

Then my Avon order came and I couldn’t sort it downstairs because of the carpet cleaning, so I completely trashed my office trying to find room to do stuff… but at least I can deliver things tomorrow and get some money!! Bailey did a great job playing by herself in the living room and watching her Elmo video.

Tonight I had to go get my eyes examined at my old eye doctor. Apparently the crazy woman I saw last time at the cheapie place was right, and I really do have an astigmatism. So my contacts are now like $65 a box. I am just waiting to go back for my “recheck” of my new contacts and then once they give me the prescription I will go get it filled online.

After that I ran a few errands- stopped by the grocery store and stopped by Best Buy to get a new Elmo dvd for Muffie. She is absolutely in love with “Mo” right now. Then we had a late dinner and let Bailey go outside and play in her new Cozy Coupe for a little bit. She can get in and out on her own and then picks up her feet so you can push her around. I’ll have to get some pictures of her in there!

Why am I sad?

Filed Under Difficult Stuff, Doctor Stuff, Weight | 9 Comments

I got my blood work results back from the doctor. Everything’s fine. No thyroid problems, no anemia, no blood sugar issues… so basically, I am fat and lazy for no reason. I almost wish there was a reason, so we could just fix it. Seriously, I am exhausted all the time. She said we can talk about the possibility of depression or anxiety, or a sleep disorder. Great. I can hardly wait until my appointment next month.

Jonathon is going to an allergist! Woo hoo

Filed Under Daddy, Doctor Stuff | 3 Comments

Thank God. Since I have known him, he has been sniffling and hacking about 75% of the year. He got a new PCP and they referred him to an allergist. Today he goes and sees this allergist for the first time. He THINKS they are going to do allergy tests today but my guess is that it will just be an initial consultation. Please God, let this fix his nasty sinuses and nose.

Has anyone had allergy testing done as an adult? DO they still do all the needles in your back like they did back when I was a kid?

Bailey’s Birth Story: Part Three- The Truth About the Aftermath

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Doctor Stuff, Family, Newborn, Postpartum Depression, Sleep | 11 Comments

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am able to write about this. I feel like it’s behind me now, so I can deal with it, if that makes sense. I’m not writing this post so that people can say, “Oh, poor Tara, she really had it rough.” Like I said, it’s over and done with. My reason for writing this is so that you know how crazy your hormones can go after birth. I am so thankful for my friend’s story about her postpartum depression.

Statistically, I was not a candidate for postpartum depression. They told us about it in the childbirth classes. I have heard about it from friends. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and figured if I did have it a little bit, I would just force myself to “get over it.” I had a fairly easy pregnancy- I know I griped about swelling and stuff like that at the end, but no real complications. Bailey’s labor and delivery was great. My physical recovery was very easy. I didn’t have pain from the stitches, I didn’t need incontinence supplies, I didn’t have pain from the epidural.

The first time I put her to breast in the hospital, she did fine. After that, she would not latch on. Well, I should say she had a very lazy latch and the nurses kept pulling her off. This was very stressful for me. I have no idea if this was the beginning of me going downhill or not. I found myself crying a lot in the hospital. I was having a lot of trouble breastfeeding, and I was exhausted. I thought I really loved Bailey, but I just wasn’t sure what to do with her. And I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. I mean, come on, I have been around tons of babies before. But my own? Whole new ballgame. I became terrified of going home. The lactation nurse helped me make a breastfeeding plan. I felt like I was begging her to give me a shred of hope, and she did that. It involved supplementing with formula. If I had to do this over again, I would not go that route, but I think it’s what helped me make it through this time.

The first day or two we were at home were pretty good. We were adjusting to having a baby. Jonathon was very supportive. Bailey was (and still is) a very good baby. She liked to sleep, and she didn’t have to be rocked to sleep. However, the second day we were at home I had a breakdown. I confessed that I wasn’t sure if we had made the right decision about having a baby. (Bailey- if you ever read this- that was just my hormones, I promise!)

When Bailey was four days old, we left her with my parents and went to a wedding. I was convinced things were going to be good and easy. It would get better, right? We were capable of leaving the baby, getting a sitter, and going out in public. This baby thing couldn’t be too hard. But things got worse from there. I dreaded seeing anyone other than Jonathon and my mom, for some reason. People from church were bringing us meals and I didn’t know what to do when they came over. I would sit for hours in Bailey’s room and cry- about stuff like what if she died when she was a teenager, what if she went away to college and didn’t need me anymore, what if she liked Jonathon better, what if she grew up too fast and started preschool and I missed her. Not very rational.

It got worse. I was not able to eat anything. Literally, food made me gag. My mom had to sit with me and force feed me with a spoon (yeah, that’s embarrassing). Even ice cream and pizza were not appealing. And let me tell you, I’ve never been one to turn down food! I spent most of the time in my room, in the dark, sleeping. At first I thought I was just tired from having a new baby, but then I realized something was Really Wrong. Whenever I thought about Bailey, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that I wanted to love her, I really did… she was so cute, but I just couldn’t feel any attachment. It was really frustrating and depressing.

It got even worse. I couldn’t come out of my room. My memories of her newborn days are of me laying in bed crying. I would lay in bed and my heart would race. My mom and Jonathon and sometimes other people took care of her out in the living room. She had a lot of formula because I felt like throwing up when I had to feed her. Horrible anxiety, I think. Friends called, and I told them everything was great. I knew in my heart that I would never have another baby. I think I even told Jonathon that if he wanted another child, we were adopted a toddler. Any time Bailey cried, I ran out of my room and freaked out. I wanted to help, I didn’t know what to do, I cried, I felt like a failure as a mother. And she was such a good baby. I was unable to make decision about anything. My mind just wasn’t functioning. I felt like I was in this weird surreal haze.

I was really mental at this point. My mom gave me a bracelet with a heart on it (I’m sure some of you have seen it). I remember thinking that as long as I kept that bracelet on, I could cope. Jonathon kept trying to give Bailey bottles and letting me sleep. I was terrified, because I had wanted to breastfeed. She did not have a bath for the first two weeks of her life because I was scared to do that as well. We did not leave the house except to go to the pediatrician for her many weight checks. The pediatrician’s office made me sick to my stomach. You can tell by how pale I am in this picture that I wasn’t doing well. I was fake smiling, but I felt like a zombie.

Somewhere around two weeks old, Jonathon suggested again that we call the doctor. I did it. I remember I was crying and my hands were shaking as I talked to my OB. I kept telling her something was Really Wrong. She told me it was okay and it wasn’t my fault. She prescribed Zoloft and some anti-anxiety pills. I remember thinking that something had to get better or I couldn’t go on like this. Was I suicidal? Not sure. I don’t think I would have ever done anything like that, but I didn’t really want to live another sixty years in the dark of my bedroom.

After I started the medication, it got worse before it got better. My appetite continued to decrease. It’s amazing that I still kept on so much of that baby weight during this time I started having anxiety attacks. I remember laying in bed at night and waking up screaming. Jonathon called my mom several times to come over and help with me. Not the baby, me. I didn’t even care. I felt like when she was there, I could go on. When I was alone, I couldn’t cope. Apparently they had agreed not to leave me alone, but I didn’t know this. My mom took vacation from work to take care of me. After about a week on the Zoloft, I called my doctor and she switched me to Prozac. It’s amazing what that stuff does. I gradually got better. Within two weeks of starting that, my mom and I were going to the mall with Bailey, going out to lunch, and I felt capable of being a mother.

I stopped begging everyone to tell me it would get better. I knew it would. I am thankful that I had such good family to support me. I can’t say that I am thankful for my friends at that time, because I never told anyone what was going on until later. I didn’t want to look like a failure or like I was crazy. When Jonathon’s parents came in town, I hid in my room. I wish I could still hide from them in my room, to tell you the truth.

There are a lot of other scary parts that I did not write about here. I guess the main things I dealt with were sleeping all the time, then bouts of insomnia, then night terrors and anxiety, loss of appetite, panic attacks, feeling like a failure with Bailey, failing to bond with Bailey (or at least I felt like it even though I tried), feeling like I wanted to love her but wasn’t sure how I felt, being terrified of the baby… I just hope that anyone reading this will remember what I went through, so that if they ever experience anything like this, they will know to get help. Calling my OB was the best thing I have ever done. If you feel yourself starting to go down this road, please ask for help early on. Don’t wait to see if it gets better. Maybe it will, but this is no way to spend the first weeks of your baby’s life. I am thankful that it didn’t take longer for me to get better.

Four Month Checkup

Filed Under Clothes, Daddy, Doctor Stuff, Four Months | 7 Comments

Bailey had her four month checkup today. She was 14 pounds and 23 inches long. She is meeting/exceeding all of her developmental milestones and the doctor doesn’t have any concerns. Also her heart and lungs still look fine- What great news! We have been cleared to start solid foods whenever we want to, but we are going to hold off on rice cereal for at least a few more weeks. Then she is supposed to do that for two to three weeks before introducing any Stage 1 foods. I’m sure that will be an adventure!

(This was a few hours after her FOUR shots- she is always such a happy baby!)

She has also gotten very grabby. Today when the doctor leaned over, Bailey pulled the pen right out of her pocket- twice! Also, she likes to try to hold her own bottle now at bedtime. Sometimes she does fairly well, and other times she just pulls it in and out of her mouth and plays with it.

Jonathon has been really busy at work. I haven’t seen him much lately. I know he misses Bailey a lot because he can’t wait to hold her and play with her when he gets home, and I feel bad if she’s already in bed.

Showing off her cute new bloomers. They were a gift from my friend Cara.

Bailey’s Birth Story, Part Two: The Recovery

Filed Under Birth, Doctor Stuff, Newborn | 5 Comments

I wrote Bailey’s birth story back in May, but since giving birth to my little angel, I have actually had a lot of people ask me questions about the recovery. Now that I am thinking about it, that’s the part that I was the most worried about going into the whole thing. Not taking care of the baby, not contractions, just recovering- especially if I had to get stitches!

Let me preface this post by saying that there will be quite a bit of TMI here. Read at your own risk.

So I guess I pushed for somewhere around 35 minutes, and she was out. Almost immediately it seemed like they put her on my chest. She wasn’t the gross goopy thing I thought she would be. I loved her right away. I cried. I was not in any sort of pain, which was odd because I felt lots of pain during the pushing (specifically as her head and shoulders came out, so thank goodness it was only like five-ten minutes).

After I held her for a second and checked to make sure that she really WAS a girl, the nurses took her back I guess to do Apgars and to wipe her off and everything. That was when my OB, Dr. K, pushed on my uterus a little bit and the placenta or whatever came out. That was also painless and I did not see anything. Then she told me she would have to stitch me up a little bit. I was like, “What? Did I have an episiotomy?” She told me that I had torn just a little bit (I knew before this that she did not routinely do episiotomies, unless the tear was going to be worse without it). I remember being surprised, because no one told me I was tearing. I also realized that must have been what the horrible burning pain was. I thought the point of an epidural was to not have pain? It numbed the contractions completely, but I felt everything in the hoo hoo area. Or at least that’s what it seemed like.

WHen she started doing the stitching, I noticed there was a massive amount of blood on her clothes. At first I thought it was from me, but looking back I’m sure it was from when Bailey came out, not from my tearing The stitches weren’t too bad. This was the part I was dreading. I could feel what felt like tiny pin pricks here and there, but that was it. It wasn’t even enough to make me tense up or anything. At one point, she told me she had gone all the way down and would have to work her way up again. Also something about a second-degree tear. So I guess I had a decent amount of stitches, but I honestly never asked or looked.

After I was all stitched up and Bailey was clean, we both got to hold her again. I think Jonathon was holding her while I was being stitched as well. Then we had my parents come in to see her. I still was not in any pain. I ate chicken tenders, a grilled cheese sandwich, some fries, and some sort of chocolate cake/brownie thing. And I drank a Diet Coke. I had been hungry since like noon.

Once my parents left, a nurse helped me to the bathroom. I remember being really scared to walk there. It wasn’t bad. I peed for like ten minutes I think, and then she wiped my hoo hoo for me. If I had any modesty left, that’s the point where it all disappeared. She also helped me with the underwear and ice pack situation. If you haven’t given birth before, you should know not to expect to wear your own undies. The hospital gives you these awesome disposable underwear that are like a mesh one-size-fits-all thing. The healing process is a little messy in the beginning, so it’s great just to be able to toss these in the trash.

Once we were done with that, she took us to our regular room. I was in a wheelchair and carried Bailey. I remember being so proud of her. I wished it wasn’t midnight so that everyone could see my beautiful little girl as we went down the hall. I think Jonathon walked and carried our stuff. When we were in our room, we snuggled with Bailey for a while and I had to ask for help to go to the bathroom again. They make you call the nurse the first few times. Once I went to bed, I had a horrible time sleeping. I was exhausted, but I was so hot I just laid there and sweated. When the nurse came in to do my vitals around 3 a.m. I asked her if I had a fever from an infection. She told me that night sweats were very normal for a while after delivery. I finally drifted off but I think I woke up again around 7 when the pediatrician came.

The whole hospital stay was crazy. I was having lots of problems breastfeeding. Bailey just would not latch on right. We saw several lactation nurses. We had a few visitors- just family and like three friends. If I had it to do over again, I would insist on no visitors except the grandparents. I was so tired, and in no mood to chit chat. I didn’t want to coordinate my baby’s feeding around when people were coming. I needed that time to myself, but I didn’t know it then.

After about 24-36 hours I was able to stop wearing an icepack in my underwear. Oh, the icepacks. They are actually a newborn size Pampers diaper. They cut a hole in the lining and stick ice in there. Then they wrap up the diaper like a burrito and secure the tabs so that the ice gets absorbed as it melts. Great idea! On top of that I had the world’s largest maxi pad, and then on top of that I had three Tucks pads lined up in a row. I really had a completely pain-free recovery. My stitches never bothered me. I never felt them, and I never had to do sitz baths. I called my doctor at one point because I was worried that something was wrong, but she said I was just fortunate.

We waited until well after the six week postpartum checkup before we had sex again. Although my physical recovery was great, I was an emotional trainwreck. But more about that another day. I’m going to bed.

Edited to add: I think I stopped the heavy postpartum bleeding around a week and a half. I didn’t completely stop bleeding for almost five weeks. I still have not had a period- but I am almost exclusively breastfeeding so hopefully that makes it hold off a little longer!

My Baby is Sick :(

Filed Under Complaining, Doctor Stuff, Two Months | 1 Comment

In lieu of a Wordless Wednesday post today, I’m going to tell you the sad story of my sick baby. Well, if I am up to it later I might do a WW post… but anyway, on to more important things: Bailey has her first cold.

First Jonathon was sick, and then me, and within about a day of me showing Symptoms Bailey was also getting sniffly… so therefore I am convinced she caught it from Jonathon and not me. But that’s neither here nor there. She started out sniffly on Monday night and I called and made her a doctor appt. Her pediatrician is out of town so she was supposed to see someone else in the practice. Well then on Tuesday she seemed fine so I cancelled the appointment. Of course. Only to have her crabby and very congested last night. So I got up this morning and got her an appointment for 11:30 today.

She saw a nurse practitioner in the same office. She said that she has a cold, but thankfully her ears and lungs are clear. She gave us some Pediacare cold med and also told me stuff to do like saline mist/aspirator in her nose before nursing to help her breathe while eating. And sleeping upright as much as possible, and a humidifier in her room. She also said it could take up to two weeks for her to get better at this age! WHAT!?!

Of course my first thought is anger toward Jonathon for bringing sickness into our house. Not that he did it intentionally, but I swear the guy gets sick five times for every one time I do. Normally I don’t even catch what he has. Then I’m frustrated with myself for getting it. ANd I feel bad that Bailey feels bad. She is such a little trooper. She tries to smile and then she’ll cough or her throat will rattle and she will make the cutest little sad face and start whining. Then she’s back to herself again until she remembers she doesn’t feel well.

Does she hate the saline drops and aspirator? Yes she does! I am thinking about discontinuing them as they seem more aggravating than helpful at this point. If she is having trouble eating then I can try them again. For now, she is only nursing on one side but it seems to be enough to keep her happy.