My Busy Day

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Fifteen Months, Home Sweet Home, Movies, Toys | 3 Comments

Today was a busy day for me. The morning started off by Bailey climbing out of her highchair. Then the carpet guy came to reclean our downstairs carpet. You know, the cat pee carpet? Well apparently the pet odor treatment didn’t work because after a few days the smell was back. (And to think Jonathon wanted to spend money on stuff like cat trees and condos for this stupid cat). The guy who they sent out today did injections into the carpet padding and onto the floorboard. We are hoping this works. If not we get refunded and have to buy new carpet. A friend of mine mentioned today, she thought we had already gotten new carpet. Well that was abandoned last minute due to money being needed for other things. So cross your fingers that this carpet cleaning works!

Then my Avon order came and I couldn’t sort it downstairs because of the carpet cleaning, so I completely trashed my office trying to find room to do stuff… but at least I can deliver things tomorrow and get some money!! Bailey did a great job playing by herself in the living room and watching her Elmo video.

Tonight I had to go get my eyes examined at my old eye doctor. Apparently the crazy woman I saw last time at the cheapie place was right, and I really do have an astigmatism. So my contacts are now like $65 a box. I am just waiting to go back for my “recheck” of my new contacts and then once they give me the prescription I will go get it filled online.

After that I ran a few errands- stopped by the grocery store and stopped by Best Buy to get a new Elmo dvd for Muffie. She is absolutely in love with “Mo” right now. Then we had a late dinner and let Bailey go outside and play in her new Cozy Coupe for a little bit. She can get in and out on her own and then picks up her feet so you can push her around. I’ll have to get some pictures of her in there!

Why am I sad?

Filed Under Difficult Stuff, Doctor Stuff, Weight | 9 Comments

I got my blood work results back from the doctor. Everything’s fine. No thyroid problems, no anemia, no blood sugar issues… so basically, I am fat and lazy for no reason. I almost wish there was a reason, so we could just fix it. Seriously, I am exhausted all the time. She said we can talk about the possibility of depression or anxiety, or a sleep disorder. Great. I can hardly wait until my appointment next month.

Jonathon is going to an allergist! Woo hoo

Filed Under Daddy, Doctor Stuff | 3 Comments

Thank God. Since I have known him, he has been sniffling and hacking about 75% of the year. He got a new PCP and they referred him to an allergist. Today he goes and sees this allergist for the first time. He THINKS they are going to do allergy tests today but my guess is that it will just be an initial consultation. Please God, let this fix his nasty sinuses and nose.

Has anyone had allergy testing done as an adult? DO they still do all the needles in your back like they did back when I was a kid?

Bailey’s Birth Story: Part Three- The Truth About the Aftermath

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Doctor Stuff, Family, Newborn, Postpartum Depression, Sleep | 11 Comments

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am able to write about this. I feel like it’s behind me now, so I can deal with it, if that makes sense. I’m not writing this post so that people can say, “Oh, poor Tara, she really had it rough.” Like I said, it’s over and done with. My reason for writing this is so that you know how crazy your hormones can go after birth. I am so thankful for my friend’s story about her postpartum depression.

Statistically, I was not a candidate for postpartum depression. They told us about it in the childbirth classes. I have heard about it from friends. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and figured if I did have it a little bit, I would just force myself to “get over it.” I had a fairly easy pregnancy- I know I griped about swelling and stuff like that at the end, but no real complications. Bailey’s labor and delivery was great. My physical recovery was very easy. I didn’t have pain from the stitches, I didn’t need incontinence supplies, I didn’t have pain from the epidural.

The first time I put her to breast in the hospital, she did fine. After that, she would not latch on. Well, I should say she had a very lazy latch and the nurses kept pulling her off. This was very stressful for me. I have no idea if this was the beginning of me going downhill or not. I found myself crying a lot in the hospital. I was having a lot of trouble breastfeeding, and I was exhausted. I thought I really loved Bailey, but I just wasn’t sure what to do with her. And I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. I mean, come on, I have been around tons of babies before. But my own? Whole new ballgame. I became terrified of going home. The lactation nurse helped me make a breastfeeding plan. I felt like I was begging her to give me a shred of hope, and she did that. It involved supplementing with formula. If I had to do this over again, I would not go that route, but I think it’s what helped me make it through this time.

The first day or two we were at home were pretty good. We were adjusting to having a baby. Jonathon was very supportive. Bailey was (and still is) a very good baby. She liked to sleep, and she didn’t have to be rocked to sleep. However, the second day we were at home I had a breakdown. I confessed that I wasn’t sure if we had made the right decision about having a baby. (Bailey- if you ever read this- that was just my hormones, I promise!)

When Bailey was four days old, we left her with my parents and went to a wedding. I was convinced things were going to be good and easy. It would get better, right? We were capable of leaving the baby, getting a sitter, and going out in public. This baby thing couldn’t be too hard. But things got worse from there. I dreaded seeing anyone other than Jonathon and my mom, for some reason. People from church were bringing us meals and I didn’t know what to do when they came over. I would sit for hours in Bailey’s room and cry- about stuff like what if she died when she was a teenager, what if she went away to college and didn’t need me anymore, what if she liked Jonathon better, what if she grew up too fast and started preschool and I missed her. Not very rational.

It got worse. I was not able to eat anything. Literally, food made me gag. My mom had to sit with me and force feed me with a spoon (yeah, that’s embarrassing). Even ice cream and pizza were not appealing. And let me tell you, I’ve never been one to turn down food! I spent most of the time in my room, in the dark, sleeping. At first I thought I was just tired from having a new baby, but then I realized something was Really Wrong. Whenever I thought about Bailey, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that I wanted to love her, I really did… she was so cute, but I just couldn’t feel any attachment. It was really frustrating and depressing.

It got even worse. I couldn’t come out of my room. My memories of her newborn days are of me laying in bed crying. I would lay in bed and my heart would race. My mom and Jonathon and sometimes other people took care of her out in the living room. She had a lot of formula because I felt like throwing up when I had to feed her. Horrible anxiety, I think. Friends called, and I told them everything was great. I knew in my heart that I would never have another baby. I think I even told Jonathon that if he wanted another child, we were adopted a toddler. Any time Bailey cried, I ran out of my room and freaked out. I wanted to help, I didn’t know what to do, I cried, I felt like a failure as a mother. And she was such a good baby. I was unable to make decision about anything. My mind just wasn’t functioning. I felt like I was in this weird surreal haze.

I was really mental at this point. My mom gave me a bracelet with a heart on it (I’m sure some of you have seen it). I remember thinking that as long as I kept that bracelet on, I could cope. Jonathon kept trying to give Bailey bottles and letting me sleep. I was terrified, because I had wanted to breastfeed. She did not have a bath for the first two weeks of her life because I was scared to do that as well. We did not leave the house except to go to the pediatrician for her many weight checks. The pediatrician’s office made me sick to my stomach. You can tell by how pale I am in this picture that I wasn’t doing well. I was fake smiling, but I felt like a zombie.

Somewhere around two weeks old, Jonathon suggested again that we call the doctor. I did it. I remember I was crying and my hands were shaking as I talked to my OB. I kept telling her something was Really Wrong. She told me it was okay and it wasn’t my fault. She prescribed Zoloft and some anti-anxiety pills. I remember thinking that something had to get better or I couldn’t go on like this. Was I suicidal? Not sure. I don’t think I would have ever done anything like that, but I didn’t really want to live another sixty years in the dark of my bedroom.

After I started the medication, it got worse before it got better. My appetite continued to decrease. It’s amazing that I still kept on so much of that baby weight during this time I started having anxiety attacks. I remember laying in bed at night and waking up screaming. Jonathon called my mom several times to come over and help with me. Not the baby, me. I didn’t even care. I felt like when she was there, I could go on. When I was alone, I couldn’t cope. Apparently they had agreed not to leave me alone, but I didn’t know this. My mom took vacation from work to take care of me. After about a week on the Zoloft, I called my doctor and she switched me to Prozac. It’s amazing what that stuff does. I gradually got better. Within two weeks of starting that, my mom and I were going to the mall with Bailey, going out to lunch, and I felt capable of being a mother.

I stopped begging everyone to tell me it would get better. I knew it would. I am thankful that I had such good family to support me. I can’t say that I am thankful for my friends at that time, because I never told anyone what was going on until later. I didn’t want to look like a failure or like I was crazy. When Jonathon’s parents came in town, I hid in my room. I wish I could still hide from them in my room, to tell you the truth.

There are a lot of other scary parts that I did not write about here. I guess the main things I dealt with were sleeping all the time, then bouts of insomnia, then night terrors and anxiety, loss of appetite, panic attacks, feeling like a failure with Bailey, failing to bond with Bailey (or at least I felt like it even though I tried), feeling like I wanted to love her but wasn’t sure how I felt, being terrified of the baby… I just hope that anyone reading this will remember what I went through, so that if they ever experience anything like this, they will know to get help. Calling my OB was the best thing I have ever done. If you feel yourself starting to go down this road, please ask for help early on. Don’t wait to see if it gets better. Maybe it will, but this is no way to spend the first weeks of your baby’s life. I am thankful that it didn’t take longer for me to get better.

Four Month Checkup

Filed Under Clothes, Daddy, Doctor Stuff, Four Months | 7 Comments

Bailey had her four month checkup today. She was 14 pounds and 23 inches long. She is meeting/exceeding all of her developmental milestones and the doctor doesn’t have any concerns. Also her heart and lungs still look fine- What great news! We have been cleared to start solid foods whenever we want to, but we are going to hold off on rice cereal for at least a few more weeks. Then she is supposed to do that for two to three weeks before introducing any Stage 1 foods. I’m sure that will be an adventure!

(This was a few hours after her FOUR shots- she is always such a happy baby!)

She has also gotten very grabby. Today when the doctor leaned over, Bailey pulled the pen right out of her pocket- twice! Also, she likes to try to hold her own bottle now at bedtime. Sometimes she does fairly well, and other times she just pulls it in and out of her mouth and plays with it.

Jonathon has been really busy at work. I haven’t seen him much lately. I know he misses Bailey a lot because he can’t wait to hold her and play with her when he gets home, and I feel bad if she’s already in bed.

Showing off her cute new bloomers. They were a gift from my friend Cara.

Bailey’s Birth Story, Part Two: The Recovery

Filed Under Birth, Doctor Stuff, Newborn | 5 Comments

I wrote Bailey’s birth story back in May, but since giving birth to my little angel, I have actually had a lot of people ask me questions about the recovery. Now that I am thinking about it, that’s the part that I was the most worried about going into the whole thing. Not taking care of the baby, not contractions, just recovering- especially if I had to get stitches!

Let me preface this post by saying that there will be quite a bit of TMI here. Read at your own risk.

So I guess I pushed for somewhere around 35 minutes, and she was out. Almost immediately it seemed like they put her on my chest. She wasn’t the gross goopy thing I thought she would be. I loved her right away. I cried. I was not in any sort of pain, which was odd because I felt lots of pain during the pushing (specifically as her head and shoulders came out, so thank goodness it was only like five-ten minutes).

After I held her for a second and checked to make sure that she really WAS a girl, the nurses took her back I guess to do Apgars and to wipe her off and everything. That was when my OB, Dr. K, pushed on my uterus a little bit and the placenta or whatever came out. That was also painless and I did not see anything. Then she told me she would have to stitch me up a little bit. I was like, “What? Did I have an episiotomy?” She told me that I had torn just a little bit (I knew before this that she did not routinely do episiotomies, unless the tear was going to be worse without it). I remember being surprised, because no one told me I was tearing. I also realized that must have been what the horrible burning pain was. I thought the point of an epidural was to not have pain? It numbed the contractions completely, but I felt everything in the hoo hoo area. Or at least that’s what it seemed like.

WHen she started doing the stitching, I noticed there was a massive amount of blood on her clothes. At first I thought it was from me, but looking back I’m sure it was from when Bailey came out, not from my tearing The stitches weren’t too bad. This was the part I was dreading. I could feel what felt like tiny pin pricks here and there, but that was it. It wasn’t even enough to make me tense up or anything. At one point, she told me she had gone all the way down and would have to work her way up again. Also something about a second-degree tear. So I guess I had a decent amount of stitches, but I honestly never asked or looked.

After I was all stitched up and Bailey was clean, we both got to hold her again. I think Jonathon was holding her while I was being stitched as well. Then we had my parents come in to see her. I still was not in any pain. I ate chicken tenders, a grilled cheese sandwich, some fries, and some sort of chocolate cake/brownie thing. And I drank a Diet Coke. I had been hungry since like noon.

Once my parents left, a nurse helped me to the bathroom. I remember being really scared to walk there. It wasn’t bad. I peed for like ten minutes I think, and then she wiped my hoo hoo for me. If I had any modesty left, that’s the point where it all disappeared. She also helped me with the underwear and ice pack situation. If you haven’t given birth before, you should know not to expect to wear your own undies. The hospital gives you these awesome disposable underwear that are like a mesh one-size-fits-all thing. The healing process is a little messy in the beginning, so it’s great just to be able to toss these in the trash.

Once we were done with that, she took us to our regular room. I was in a wheelchair and carried Bailey. I remember being so proud of her. I wished it wasn’t midnight so that everyone could see my beautiful little girl as we went down the hall. I think Jonathon walked and carried our stuff. When we were in our room, we snuggled with Bailey for a while and I had to ask for help to go to the bathroom again. They make you call the nurse the first few times. Once I went to bed, I had a horrible time sleeping. I was exhausted, but I was so hot I just laid there and sweated. When the nurse came in to do my vitals around 3 a.m. I asked her if I had a fever from an infection. She told me that night sweats were very normal for a while after delivery. I finally drifted off but I think I woke up again around 7 when the pediatrician came.

The whole hospital stay was crazy. I was having lots of problems breastfeeding. Bailey just would not latch on right. We saw several lactation nurses. We had a few visitors- just family and like three friends. If I had it to do over again, I would insist on no visitors except the grandparents. I was so tired, and in no mood to chit chat. I didn’t want to coordinate my baby’s feeding around when people were coming. I needed that time to myself, but I didn’t know it then.

After about 24-36 hours I was able to stop wearing an icepack in my underwear. Oh, the icepacks. They are actually a newborn size Pampers diaper. They cut a hole in the lining and stick ice in there. Then they wrap up the diaper like a burrito and secure the tabs so that the ice gets absorbed as it melts. Great idea! On top of that I had the world’s largest maxi pad, and then on top of that I had three Tucks pads lined up in a row. I really had a completely pain-free recovery. My stitches never bothered me. I never felt them, and I never had to do sitz baths. I called my doctor at one point because I was worried that something was wrong, but she said I was just fortunate.

We waited until well after the six week postpartum checkup before we had sex again. Although my physical recovery was great, I was an emotional trainwreck. But more about that another day. I’m going to bed.

Edited to add: I think I stopped the heavy postpartum bleeding around a week and a half. I didn’t completely stop bleeding for almost five weeks. I still have not had a period- but I am almost exclusively breastfeeding so hopefully that makes it hold off a little longer!

My Baby is Sick :(

Filed Under Complaining, Doctor Stuff, Two Months | 1 Comment

In lieu of a Wordless Wednesday post today, I’m going to tell you the sad story of my sick baby. Well, if I am up to it later I might do a WW post… but anyway, on to more important things: Bailey has her first cold.

First Jonathon was sick, and then me, and within about a day of me showing Symptoms Bailey was also getting sniffly… so therefore I am convinced she caught it from Jonathon and not me. But that’s neither here nor there. She started out sniffly on Monday night and I called and made her a doctor appt. Her pediatrician is out of town so she was supposed to see someone else in the practice. Well then on Tuesday she seemed fine so I cancelled the appointment. Of course. Only to have her crabby and very congested last night. So I got up this morning and got her an appointment for 11:30 today.

She saw a nurse practitioner in the same office. She said that she has a cold, but thankfully her ears and lungs are clear. She gave us some Pediacare cold med and also told me stuff to do like saline mist/aspirator in her nose before nursing to help her breathe while eating. And sleeping upright as much as possible, and a humidifier in her room. She also said it could take up to two weeks for her to get better at this age! WHAT!?!

Of course my first thought is anger toward Jonathon for bringing sickness into our house. Not that he did it intentionally, but I swear the guy gets sick five times for every one time I do. Normally I don’t even catch what he has. Then I’m frustrated with myself for getting it. ANd I feel bad that Bailey feels bad. She is such a little trooper. She tries to smile and then she’ll cough or her throat will rattle and she will make the cutest little sad face and start whining. Then she’s back to herself again until she remembers she doesn’t feel well.

Does she hate the saline drops and aspirator? Yes she does! I am thinking about discontinuing them as they seem more aggravating than helpful at this point. If she is having trouble eating then I can try them again. For now, she is only nursing on one side but it seems to be enough to keep her happy.

Swelling

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Pregnancy, Symptoms | 4 Comments

Just a quick update- I have my 37 week dr appt today- was supposed to be at noon but I am freakishly swollen, including my face, so doctor told me to come in sooner and just get checked. On my way out the door!

EDITED:

I am fine. No protein in urine, blood pressure is normal, etc etc. Just horrible water retention, apparently. Things are fine and in fact I have progressed even more. Details later- and I will post my 37 week pictures- but I am going to take a nap first.

It’s a girl!

Filed Under Doctor Stuff, Gender, Pregnancy, Thoughts | 4 Comments

We are having a little girl! I am so happy and excited

It will be fun to call the baby “her” instead of “it” or “the baby” all the time!

Everything on the ultrasound was fine, no concerns… she currently weights 9.5 oz which is actually a little bigger than I expected after what I’ve read online for this week, but the tech said that was right on track and they kept my due date the same.

We are just so thankful and we are absolutely thrilled! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Shootin Up

Filed Under Doctor Stuff | 1 Comment

I meant to post that I got a flu shot on Friday afternoon. I got it at Schnucks. It was very easy and much less painless than I expected. (Okay, edited: I don’t know if that makes sense. What I meant to say was that it didn’t hurt much at all.)

Here is their flu shot info. They do it certain days all day, and then days when a particular pharmacist is there, by appointment only.

I was in and out in about 45 minutes. It would have been faster except that once they find out you are pregnant, they have to get your doctor’s authorization, so we had to call Dr. K’s exchange. She called back within like two minutes- I was really impressed. So they did the shot, which was really quick compared to having needles stuck in me for a while drawing blood! Then I had to stay in the store 20 minutes to make sure I didn’t have any side effects or a reaction to it.

I went home after that, and the only thing I’ve had is that my arm has been slightly sore. So, this was my first flu shot ever and it wasn’t bad. I’d do it again.

Countdown…

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Less than 24 hours until my next doctor’s appointment! And I get to hear the heartbeat again