Just thinking

Filed Under Being a Mom, Breastfeeding, Ten Months | Leave a Comment

After Bailey woke up from her nap we were laying in my bed together. We were side by side, facing each other. She was nursing, and her little legs were rubbing against my thighs as she wiggled. It made me think about her fitting inside my tummy. That seems like such an impossibility then… but back then, it seemed impossible to imagine her as a real baby. It’s just funny how our reality changes as life changes. And it’s almost impossible to remember how things were “before.” I know I was very happy and carefree before, but it’s strange to think that I could have been happy without her. She just seems such a part of my world- like a piece that completes me- and I don’t know what I did before. Then when she finished eating, we laid there and poked at each other and laughed and snuggled. Nothing could be better.

So I guess my ten month post sappiness just kicked in late. LOL

On another note, I would not mind getting some fitness equipment, seeing as I have not dragged my butt to the gym in like a month and this whole breastfeeding this just is NOT helping with weight loss like it’s supposed to. I am reminded of that when Bailey grabs my belly. Ick.

Sleeping Through the Night

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Milestones, Sleep, Toys | 4 Comments

I just realized I never posted the results of our crazy sleep training experiment. The reason I probably never posted? There was nothing to complain about. I am way too good about whining on my blog but not so good about posting normal blah kind of things.

It has been almost two weeks now, that Bailey has been sleeping through the night. The first night was a Friday. She went down like normal around 8:30 pm. I tried to give her that supplemental bottle at bedtime and make sure she was really full so that I would KNOW it wasn’t hunger when she woke up crying. The ped said that she didn’t physically need to eat during the night anymore. She woke up around 2:30 or 3, like normal. She cried louder when I didn’t go running in there. So I went in after like 10 minutes and just patted her and shushed at her. She wasn’t a big fan of that and yelled louder. About ten or fifteen minutes after that, it was Jonathon’s turn only he just stepped into her room and talked to her from near the doorway, I think. She yelled for about a half hour or so after that, and then fell asleep and slept until 8:30 a.m.

The next night, she woke up around the same time and fussed for about ten minutes. That is what she did for the next few nights, only at random different times and only for two or three minutes each time. Since then, I think she has only woken up during the night once in the past week. She doesn’t really cry- like mad cry- during the night when she wakes up. It’s more like she’s rolling around and fussing trying to get herself comfy again. I love that she can get herself back to sleep.

What’s it like getting a full, uninterrupted night’s sleep? I kind of take it for granted again. It already seems like so long ago that I was up four times a night. Sometimes I think I miss it. The other night before I went to bed, I went in her room and picked her up and held her in the rocking chair forever while she slept. It’s just about the only time I can get some serious snuggles from her now that she is so busy The only thing that sucks now, is that my boobs leak in the morning. I have been trying to pump before I go to bed around midnight, but the pump just doesn’t get ANYTHING anymore. My body never responded super well to pumping, so I think now that I am doing it only once every day or two it is even worse. I get like a half ounce, total, after about fifteen minutes. So most nights now I don’t even bother.

Bailey is now going to bed between 8 and 9 pm and waking up between 8 and 8:45 a.m. Except for this morning, she woke up at 7:30 screaming. I think that Jonathon went in her room to empty the diaper pail before he left for work, because today was trash day. I am going to question him about that when he gets home tonight. He is really obsessive about “collecting” all the trash on Thursday mornings. But he needs to stay out of her room, especially within the half hour or hour before she gets up, because she’s in a really light stage of sleep. I needed those extra few minutes I brought her into my bed and nursed her back to sleep for maybe a half hour.

Oooh, then my mom and I went to the toystore and I bought Bailey this for Christmas:

Not About the Milk

Filed Under Breastfeeding | 7 Comments

This is written by Diane Wiessinger, and we have read it several times at the nursing support group I go to. Not everything in the article applies to me, but I think it’s nice and decided to look it up online so I could share. Everything below is NOT written by me, but it sums up a lot of what I feel!

It’s Not Really About The Milk

©2000 Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC 136 Ellis Hollow Creek Road Ithaca, NY 14850

You won’t “get it” at first. At first it’s all about technique, and position, and time, and swallowing, and soreness, and feeling as if your whole world has narrowed to Feeding The Baby. Those of us who have enjoyed nursing our children are on the other side of a great emotional gulf from you. We can’t explain it, we can only try to help you across the bridge, to where you can see for yourself. If you stay caught up in this as a feeding method, you may never get all the way across the bridge. But oh, the view from the other side! At the least, you need to know it’s there.

Those of us who “got it” wouldn’t feel guilty if we were prevented from nursing our next child. We’d feel anguished. “Guilt” means you didn’t do something for someone else that you “should” have done whether or not you enjoyed it yourself. “Anguish” means great pain and grief, as if you’ve had a piece of yourself torn away.

I wish I could convey to you the simple, thought-less, vast, delicious pleasure of nursing my children. Once I “got it,” I didn’t “feed” them, didn’t worry about intervals, didn’t hold back. We nursed when they wanted and when I wanted - even just to keep them quiet while I was on the phone. At night, nursing was a quiet mending of the day’s disorders. Oh, not always, but as someone said, “Of course there’s an inconvenience to nursing. But there’s an inconvenience to being a mother.” Breastfeeding was a fundamental, essential connection for us, and made everything else - from newborn diapers to two-year-old tantrums - far, far simpler. Then there’s the ego-building experience of being the perfect center of another person’s universe.

Can you achieve the same bond through bottle-feeding? No. Remember that a breastfeeding mother is in a specific hormonal state. Her whole body responds to her baby in a way that a bottle-feeding mother’s or a baby-sitter’s or a father’s cannot. Her infant receives all his calories in a full-bodied, full-mouthed, skin-on-skin embrace, always from his beloved mother. Her older child comes to her to have growing pains of all kinds soothed simply in a way unique to breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is a newborn’s first relationship, designed to continue throughout a child’s early years. As a culture, we tell ourselves - without evidence - that the absence of this fundamental human relationship has no longterm implications for mother or child or family or society.

I have enjoyed our children at every stage so far - and they are now young adults. Their father and I felt as if we did no real parenting after the first ten years or so; we sat back and enjoyed them. This is unusual in America today. Is it partly related to our start in a long, luxurious breastfeeding relationship? I think so. And like every woman who has reached the other side of the bridge, I hope I can extend a hand back to help you across. The view is irreplaceable!

Bailey’s Birth Story: Part Three- The Truth About the Aftermath

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Doctor Stuff, Family, Newborn, Postpartum Depression, Sleep | 11 Comments

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am able to write about this. I feel like it’s behind me now, so I can deal with it, if that makes sense. I’m not writing this post so that people can say, “Oh, poor Tara, she really had it rough.” Like I said, it’s over and done with. My reason for writing this is so that you know how crazy your hormones can go after birth. I am so thankful for my friend’s story about her postpartum depression.

Statistically, I was not a candidate for postpartum depression. They told us about it in the childbirth classes. I have heard about it from friends. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and figured if I did have it a little bit, I would just force myself to “get over it.” I had a fairly easy pregnancy- I know I griped about swelling and stuff like that at the end, but no real complications. Bailey’s labor and delivery was great. My physical recovery was very easy. I didn’t have pain from the stitches, I didn’t need incontinence supplies, I didn’t have pain from the epidural.

The first time I put her to breast in the hospital, she did fine. After that, she would not latch on. Well, I should say she had a very lazy latch and the nurses kept pulling her off. This was very stressful for me. I have no idea if this was the beginning of me going downhill or not. I found myself crying a lot in the hospital. I was having a lot of trouble breastfeeding, and I was exhausted. I thought I really loved Bailey, but I just wasn’t sure what to do with her. And I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. I mean, come on, I have been around tons of babies before. But my own? Whole new ballgame. I became terrified of going home. The lactation nurse helped me make a breastfeeding plan. I felt like I was begging her to give me a shred of hope, and she did that. It involved supplementing with formula. If I had to do this over again, I would not go that route, but I think it’s what helped me make it through this time.

The first day or two we were at home were pretty good. We were adjusting to having a baby. Jonathon was very supportive. Bailey was (and still is) a very good baby. She liked to sleep, and she didn’t have to be rocked to sleep. However, the second day we were at home I had a breakdown. I confessed that I wasn’t sure if we had made the right decision about having a baby. (Bailey- if you ever read this- that was just my hormones, I promise!)

When Bailey was four days old, we left her with my parents and went to a wedding. I was convinced things were going to be good and easy. It would get better, right? We were capable of leaving the baby, getting a sitter, and going out in public. This baby thing couldn’t be too hard. But things got worse from there. I dreaded seeing anyone other than Jonathon and my mom, for some reason. People from church were bringing us meals and I didn’t know what to do when they came over. I would sit for hours in Bailey’s room and cry- about stuff like what if she died when she was a teenager, what if she went away to college and didn’t need me anymore, what if she liked Jonathon better, what if she grew up too fast and started preschool and I missed her. Not very rational.

It got worse. I was not able to eat anything. Literally, food made me gag. My mom had to sit with me and force feed me with a spoon (yeah, that’s embarrassing). Even ice cream and pizza were not appealing. And let me tell you, I’ve never been one to turn down food! I spent most of the time in my room, in the dark, sleeping. At first I thought I was just tired from having a new baby, but then I realized something was Really Wrong. Whenever I thought about Bailey, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that I wanted to love her, I really did… she was so cute, but I just couldn’t feel any attachment. It was really frustrating and depressing.

It got even worse. I couldn’t come out of my room. My memories of her newborn days are of me laying in bed crying. I would lay in bed and my heart would race. My mom and Jonathon and sometimes other people took care of her out in the living room. She had a lot of formula because I felt like throwing up when I had to feed her. Horrible anxiety, I think. Friends called, and I told them everything was great. I knew in my heart that I would never have another baby. I think I even told Jonathon that if he wanted another child, we were adopted a toddler. Any time Bailey cried, I ran out of my room and freaked out. I wanted to help, I didn’t know what to do, I cried, I felt like a failure as a mother. And she was such a good baby. I was unable to make decision about anything. My mind just wasn’t functioning. I felt like I was in this weird surreal haze.

I was really mental at this point. My mom gave me a bracelet with a heart on it (I’m sure some of you have seen it). I remember thinking that as long as I kept that bracelet on, I could cope. Jonathon kept trying to give Bailey bottles and letting me sleep. I was terrified, because I had wanted to breastfeed. She did not have a bath for the first two weeks of her life because I was scared to do that as well. We did not leave the house except to go to the pediatrician for her many weight checks. The pediatrician’s office made me sick to my stomach. You can tell by how pale I am in this picture that I wasn’t doing well. I was fake smiling, but I felt like a zombie.

Somewhere around two weeks old, Jonathon suggested again that we call the doctor. I did it. I remember I was crying and my hands were shaking as I talked to my OB. I kept telling her something was Really Wrong. She told me it was okay and it wasn’t my fault. She prescribed Zoloft and some anti-anxiety pills. I remember thinking that something had to get better or I couldn’t go on like this. Was I suicidal? Not sure. I don’t think I would have ever done anything like that, but I didn’t really want to live another sixty years in the dark of my bedroom.

After I started the medication, it got worse before it got better. My appetite continued to decrease. It’s amazing that I still kept on so much of that baby weight during this time I started having anxiety attacks. I remember laying in bed at night and waking up screaming. Jonathon called my mom several times to come over and help with me. Not the baby, me. I didn’t even care. I felt like when she was there, I could go on. When I was alone, I couldn’t cope. Apparently they had agreed not to leave me alone, but I didn’t know this. My mom took vacation from work to take care of me. After about a week on the Zoloft, I called my doctor and she switched me to Prozac. It’s amazing what that stuff does. I gradually got better. Within two weeks of starting that, my mom and I were going to the mall with Bailey, going out to lunch, and I felt capable of being a mother.

I stopped begging everyone to tell me it would get better. I knew it would. I am thankful that I had such good family to support me. I can’t say that I am thankful for my friends at that time, because I never told anyone what was going on until later. I didn’t want to look like a failure or like I was crazy. When Jonathon’s parents came in town, I hid in my room. I wish I could still hide from them in my room, to tell you the truth.

There are a lot of other scary parts that I did not write about here. I guess the main things I dealt with were sleeping all the time, then bouts of insomnia, then night terrors and anxiety, loss of appetite, panic attacks, feeling like a failure with Bailey, failing to bond with Bailey (or at least I felt like it even though I tried), feeling like I wanted to love her but wasn’t sure how I felt, being terrified of the baby… I just hope that anyone reading this will remember what I went through, so that if they ever experience anything like this, they will know to get help. Calling my OB was the best thing I have ever done. If you feel yourself starting to go down this road, please ask for help early on. Don’t wait to see if it gets better. Maybe it will, but this is no way to spend the first weeks of your baby’s life. I am thankful that it didn’t take longer for me to get better.

Um yeah… of course things are different

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Complaining, Daddy, Thoughts | 1 Comment

My dad is getting ready to go to Arizona for golf school. He has done this a few times before- golf is kind of his obsession. He goes by himself. You know, so he can focus on the golf. We have joked to him in the past that he should invest in some Arizona real estate for when he retires. My mom used to tell him that since he stayed in STL with her for so long, that they could go wherever they wanted to when he retired. Now with Bailey here, not so much.

Funny how babies change everything, even when you swear they won’t. I was crying the other night because I missed how my life used to be without Bailey- like sleeping late and leaving home at the spur of the moment, or making cards and not being interrupted by someone needing attention. Don’t get me wrong, I love her so much and wouldn’t trade this for anything, but sometimes I just want a break.

My dream would be for Jonathon to say, “Honey, why don’t you take a break one night this week and let me watch Bailey.” I mean, he’ll let me have a break IF I ASK or make plans and tell him he’s watching her. But it would be nice for him to offer.

Today at my nursing group, we were all talking about this. I know moms in general don’t get much of a break, but I think especially if you are breastfeeding- even if you’re away, you have to worry about the baby having bottles, or making sure you can pump or won’t leak… and lately we have the issue of Bailey being mad if she can’t nurse before bed, so now Jonathon hates putting her to sleep. Ug

This has gotten really rambly and complainy so I’m stopping. I don’t even know what I was trying to say, except that I was thinking about how much things have changed. Duhhhh

Booby Bonding

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Thoughts | 13 Comments

Someone today was saying that at a LLL meeting, someone posed this question: If you could only give breastmilk to your baby via bottles, and you could nurse your baby but only formula came out of your breasts, which would you do?

What do you think? I know what my answer would probably be.

Update- Bailey is 18 weeks old already!

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Chloe, Four Months, Sleep | 3 Comments

Bailey holds her head up so well lately. She has also gotten quite proficient at rolling over in the past few days. She loves to sleep on her tummy now. I still put her down on her back, but as soon as I put her down, she rolls over. She snuggles up to the side of the crib (always the same side, by the wall) and goes right to sleep. Also she really has figured out what to do with her toys now. She can hold onto them and put them in her mouth. If she drops them, she fusses until Mommy picks them up.

I thought this one was cute because I was playing with Bailey on my bed and Chloe came in to see what we were doing. This used to be where we would play with her and snuggle with her. She probably wanted to know why Bailey was getting all the attention…poor kitty. Anyway if you look closely in the background you can see Chloe watching.

Bailey loves to play with my shirts lately. This one especially, because of the strings. Here she had just finished nursing. But while she’s eating, she clutches the front of my shirt with her hand. She’s such a lovey.

This was Sunday before church. Bailey was wearing her necklace from her Great Grandma for the first time. I was trying to get a good picture of it but she was being kind of goofy.

Anyway, that’s about all around here lately. Jonathon and I are going on a little ice cream date tonight. Kind of– we’re bringing Bailey with us. I like to give her little tastes of the ice cream and Jonathon yells at me every time. By little tastes, I mean like a speck Then tomorrow night we are hosting my mom’s b-day dinner at our house. Saturday, we are both working childcare at church for a big training thing on Saturday morning. That will be some nice extra income!

Not mine anymore

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Sometimes I wish my boobs could be mine for just a day. I mean not leaking, not too full, not being gnawed on… Right now they are just a bottle, a feeding machine. I wonder if they will ever be viewed the same way again. Too much time is spent dealing with them. Not that I am wanting to wean the Muffin anytime soon, but they would just like an afternoon off. Like a little holiday.

Three Months Old

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Daddy, Milestones, Three Months | 3 Comments

Hi, little sweetie. I can’t believe you are growing so fast… Happy three months of being out of mommy! You are the best thing that has happened to us. You have completely turned our lives upside down but in the most wonderful way!

You are “talking” like crazy now and smiling at everyone. You still love your butterfly mobile above your bed and you yell at it when it stops moving. You are quickly becoming an expert at rolling from your tummy to back, but so far we think you only roll to your right. Your legs are so busy and just kick nonstop. You have been kicking mommy’s arm lately while I’m nursing you. Speaking of nursing, you are doing great. You only get about 4-6 oz of formula a day (sometimes less) and I am so happy with that. Look how far we’ve come!

Your daddy is totally in love with you and plays with you every chance he gets. You love when he makes funny noises and faces. Daddy can entertain you so much better than I can. You go to sleep on your own (still!) when we put you in your crib. Just about a week ago you FINALLY started being able to sleep without your swaddle wrap. One day you put up a fight and that was the end of it.

You like to lick anything that gets near your mouth. If you are facing forward in your sling you chew on it. Your hands are constantly drooly lately and they have become your new best friend. They are always in your mouth- never your thumb but mostly your first two fingers on either hand. You are getting close to outgrowing your Size 1 diapers but you still fit into all your 0-3 month clothes. We have started putting you in some 3-6 month things just to make sure you get some wear out of them before it gets cold! You haven’t had a big pukey spit-up in a few weeks now. I’m not positive but I think that coincides with the time that we switched from Similac to Enfamil.

Baby Einstein is still a hit, although you will stretch your neck around to try to watch anything that happens to be on tv. You are also really starting to take an interest in your books. Some of our favorites are God Must Really Love Colors, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and The Going To Bed Book. You are (maybe) starting to lose your fascination with the chandelier and the grandmother clock at Grammy’s house.

We can’t wait to see what this month has in store for us. Who would have known that you would be this much fun?!?

I took another comparison picture to show how much you have grown and changed.

Bailey was just lost inside this shirt at the hospital- this was the day she was born.

And now here she is at three months old and she hasn’t worn this since we’ve gotten home but I wanted to put it on her just for fun and she was totally busting out of it

Somewhat Public Pumping

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So yesterday I sure did use my breast pump between the wedding rehearsal and going to take pictures… only it was used on Hwy 44 (while Jonathon drove) and only slightly stuffed up my shirt, with my dear friend Faith riding in the backseat.

Yeah, I actually got a car AC adaptor for it. I am serious about my pumping. Sometimes when I tote around the bag for it I think people think I have a portable oxygen concentrator or something.

Here’s the thing. The darn thing takes two hands which is especially annoying in the car or when you are trying to be inconspicuous. Ha. As if that’s possible with two moving, whooshing funnels hanging from your breasts. Anyway, I know Medela sells a pumping free attachment kit (you have to scroll down the page a bit to see it)… has anyone used something like this before? I am kind of curious about it but you have to buy the Medela brand nursing bras to use them, and mine are all just from Motherhood.

Continued Breastfeeding Progress

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Yesterday I went to the nursing group again- haven’t been in two weeks- and met a new girl with a baby girl named Ava who is a few weeks younger than Bailey. They are having basically the same problems we had early on. It was nice to be “on the other side” and be able to encourage her.

My milk supply seems to be much better now. I took the fenugreek for just a few days but I think that’s what helped. Bailey only had 3 ounces of formula in a 24 hour period yesterday. So far in the last twelve hours she’s only had one ounce, and that was to get her back to sleep this morning after a lazy feeding.

No More Spicy Food

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Food, One Month | 3 Comments

Dumb Mommy made the mistake of having enchiladas for dinner last night… while I was eating them I even commented to Jonathon about how spicy they were but I didn’t think about breastfeeding at all. So when I fed Bailey around 11 she just fussed and fussed. Once I tried to put her in bed she screamed and screamed. We kept thinking she would go to sleep eventually and kept settling her down and trying again. Finally Jonathon got her up around 2 to see if she was still hungry and she threw up from one end of the kitchen to the other. Then she was fine.

Duh… today I figured out what caused that and do I ever feel guilty!

Pediatrician- One month checkup

Filed Under Breastfeeding, One Month | 4 Comments

We went to see the doctor today for Bailey’s one month checkup. Bailey was a good girl and didn’t cry except for when she was naked on the scale. She didn’t really like having the tongue depresser in her mouth, but she just scrunched up her eyes and nose and made the Bailey noise. (Yes, we have a name for the noise she makes because she does it ALL the TIME!)

Temp was 98.6
Head circumference was 14.5 inches (50th percentile)
Length was 20.5 inches (25th percentile, she has grown 3/4 of an inch since birth)
Weight was 8 lbs 11 oz (30th percentile, she has grown 1 lb 4 oz since birth)

Heart, lungs, ears, eyes, mouth, hips, tummy, etc look good– great news about her heart because my one month checkup was when my pediatrician found my murmur!

She can go as long as she wants during the night without eating- we don’t have to wake her up anymore which is great because she’s gone 5 hours before I have had to wake her up, so I think she will go even longer… but we are still supposed to wake her up during the day after 3 hours so she doesn’t mix up days and nights.

I am going to talk to my OB about taking either an herbal thingy or a prescription to increase milk supply so that I can quit supplementing with formula. Right now Bailey gets about 4-6 oz of formula per 24 hours, so not a ton, but it’s just frustrating to have to use it to fill her up the rest of the way! There are two things the pediatrician said would work, but she said the OB usually wanted to be the one to tell me which one to try.

One Week Old

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Grandparents, Newborn | 5 Comments

We are all still hanging in there. Feeding continues to improve- no formula at all during the day today but sometimes she needs it at night, just like a half ounce after feeding to help her get to sleep. I can deal with that. We had to get a prescription called in today for eye drops. She has a blocked tear duct and it had gotten really goopy today, but it already seems to be improving with two rounds of the drops. My mom has been over a lot to help us, so that has been a huge blessing. I didn’t realize how much help I would need. We are looking forward to Jonathon’s parents coming in town on Friday. They haven’t gotten to see Bailey yet.

Big smiles

Burping with Daddy (a.k.a. naptime)

Trying to figure out the sling- and I look pretty rough!

Sleeping on Gram

My life as a boob

Filed Under Breastfeeding | 4 Comments

Yeah, thats pretty much it lately

last night was rough she was up 2:30-7:45

days n nights mixed up? tonight better so far usually i have to set alarm to wake her up and feed

she is a slow eater

like 30-40 mins on a side and she will eat both sides

falls asleep a lot but at least she’s eating

still giving just like half ounce formula after breastfeeding, most times, and pumping to try n increase supply

hard work but so worth it

-typed at 4:15 am. with one hand while bailey sleeps i mean eats