Have some manners? Really?

Filed Under Breastfeeding | 1 Comment

This woman is ridiculously stupid. If you want to hear an unbelievably uneducated and narrow-minded view on breastfeeding, click here and forward to about 5:15 to start listening-

http://newsradioword.everyzing.com/m/audio/32435958/russ-lisa-in-the-morning.htm

I was absolutely seething as I listened to this. What do you think?

Breastfeeding Child #2

Filed Under Being a Mom, Breastfeeding, One Month- Taylor, Tuesday Toot | 2 Comments

Breastfeeding is so different this time around. I think I mentioned before that Taylor just took to it right away. It just seems so natural with him. Maybe because I’ve done it before, maybe because I am more relaxed, maybe because he doesn’t have sensory issues (we hope), maybe just because. Whatever it is, this child loves his mommy and he loves to nurse. It’s his comfort, his food, our bonding time. I don’t resent the time I am “stuck” in a chair feeding him. I have nothing better to do than love my children at this exact stage in our lives. When he wants to nurse, we do. (When I want to nurse him, we do). He sleeps next to me at night, but last night he went six hours between feedings.

Something about breastfeeding makes me feel capable as a mother. I am completely providing for my child. I am his sole source of nourishment and comfort at this point in his life. Maybe that’s not fair to my husband, maybe it doesn’t matter. It will be such a short time that I can do this for him, in the grand scheme of things. He is six weeks old. Several months from now, he will be eating baby food and I might not be the center of his universe anymore.

With Bailey, I always had supply issues. She was a “lazy” eater and she tired easily, and we got into a pattern of supplementing with formula. We were never able to break that pattern. With Taylor, he had a few formula bottles in the NICU overnight when I couldn’t be there with him. Since he’s been home, he has had nothing but breastmilk. He takes bottles like a champ, so I still have the flexibility to leave him. I do better with pumping this time too. I have actually found a manual pump that works better for me than my expensive double electric one! We have a freezer full of milk, and I have to say I am proud of both of us.

NICU Day Six- Going Home!

Filed Under Big Sister, Breastfeeding, Firsts, Home Sweet Home, NICU, Newborn- Taylor, Siblings, Two and a half years old | 2 Comments

On Tuesday morning, I knew that Taylor wouldn’t be going home. I left Jonathon at home with Bailey and went up to the hospital by myself to be there to feed him. After his first feeding, guess what his nurse came over and told me? His bilirubin levels had dropped to 12-point-something overnight and he would be going home! What? She said he needed to continue phototherapy the rest of the day and then he could leave, and be monitored by his own pediatrician for the next two weeks.

I called Jonathon and told him I was coming home to get him. We had my dad come over and watch Bailey, and we went by Target and went to get lunch. When we got back up to the hospital, we changed him into some snuggly fleece NEWBORN size jammies. Which were clearly about eight sizes too big.

I love this picture with me holding him!

And one with Daddy-

I love the “drunk on milk” baby pictures. And this baby sure does like to eat!

We kept telling him that the carseat was a good thing- that it was time to go home. He wasn’t easily convinced.

One last family picture in the NICU. It was bittersweet leaving, honestly. It was the only home my baby had known. The place where I spent hours and held him and watched him get better. And cried thousands of tears. The nurses were so loving, the other moms were so supportive. I can’t quite explain but it was strange to leave.

We were welcome home by one very excited big sister, though!

Here she is holding Taylor for the first time. With help.

NICU Day Five

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Difficult Stuff, Grandparents, NICU, Newborn- Taylor | 1 Comment

On Monday morning, I called the hospital first thing when I woke up. They told me Taylor had passed his carseat test and done so well during the night. Jonathon had planned to come up to the hospital with me, so my mom came over early to watch Bailey and we got up there in time for his first feeding.

While he was eating, our nurse, Katrena, came over and told us that he would be able to go home by early evening. He was scheduled for pictures, then his circumcision (no debating here, thanks) would be done on my OB’s lunch hour, then after they observed him and made sure he was peeing okay he would be released.

We went and got his pictures done. As with typical newborn pictures, they are just okay. Of course his eyes aren’t focused and he’s kind of a lump, but he looks cute anyway. Not posting them on here yet because I haven’t decided which picture to use for birth announcements.

After his pictures, Jonathon and I went to the breastfeeding room so I could pump. When we came back to the NICU and were waiting to be let in, Jonathon was like, “I hear Taylor crying!” I kept saying no, that’s not him, blah blah blah. They let us in and I saw the nurses putting him under a blue light, wearing only a diaper. My first thought was, “Why is he going under there, I hope they know he is leaving soon!” We walked up and the nurse looked at me and then I just knew and started crying.

She kept saying, “We’re so sorry! We wanted to get him settled and calm before we called you back in.” The neonatologist had decided to get one last check on his bilirubin levels and they came back way too high. She said it was good that it happened while he was still in the hospital, because if his numbers had spiked like this after he went home he would have been admitted back into the hospital. Basically he was jaundiced, which made sense because I kept thinking he looked more yellowish. They said he would probably need a few days of phototherapy. The light breaks down the bilirubin in the blood when the liver is not yet working properly.

Here is Taylor in his “tanning bed” complete with sunglasses velcroed around his head.

I guess here I should admit that I completely lost it when they told me he wouldn’t be going home after all. This whole experience was such a roller coaster ride. To be told that morning he was leaving, and then hours later to be told that he was staying days later… it was just more than I could handle. Someday I will write more about what it’s actually like to have a child in the hospital. Right now I’m still alternating between processing and pushing it out of my head. Oh and I’m going on little sleep too, so my posts aren’t so eloquent right now!

Jonathon and I took a break and went out for lunch, and went up to his work to pick up some gifts and visit and share pictures of Taylor. We went back to the hospital for another feeding, then went home for dinner. My mom offered to come back up to the hospital with me after dinner. That evening, there was a girl I knew from church working in the NICU. She was assigned to transport but shifted things around and ended up being Taylor’s nurse for overnight. It was so good to talk to someone familiar. She also said that honestly she didn’t think he would go home until at least Wednesday or Thursday.

NICU Day Four

Filed Under Birth- Taylor, Breastfeeding, Grandparents, NICU, Newborn- Taylor | Leave a Comment

On Sunday morning when I got up, I called the NICU first thing. They told me that Taylor had a wonderful night and not only was he off all his oxygen and forced room air, but that he was doing well regulating his body temperature. That meant a move to the other side of the nursery! The sickest babies are in the middle close to the nurses’ station/desk. The medium sick babies are to one side, and then when they start doing well they move to the other end. I was so happy to see Taylor at the other end when I came down to visit.

The other big difference is that he got moved into an open crib instead of one with the warmer above it. This crib is just like the ones the “regular” babies sleep in during their hospital stay! The cute sign inside his crib was courtesy of Nurse Susie.

His nurse told me we could put regular clothes on him too. It just had to be something where his foot was free for the wires to come out. Here he is FINALLY wearing real clothes!

I officially had to be out of my room that morning by 10:00 (they had let me stay one extra night since my baby was still there). Jonathon was up there to help me get our stuff to the car and he stayed a while to visit. After he left, I began the longest few days of my life, basically living in the breastfeeding room next to the NICU. I just sat in the back “booth” with the curtain closed and read and wasted time online. I just had to sit and wait until it was time to go feed the baby again. He was on a three hour schedule with feedings at 11, 2, 5, and 8 around the clock.

My parents came up to visit that evening and they both got to hold Taylor for the first time. My mom was so nervous and didn’t want to hold him at first but I didn’t give her a choice.

NICU Days Two and Three

Filed Under Being a Mom, Breastfeeding, Daddy, Difficult Stuff, Firsts, NICU, Newborn- Taylor, Siblings, Two and a half years old | 1 Comment

On Friday morning when I woke up (after a NOT good night of sleep, thanks to all the nurses coming in my room all night long) my OB came to visit. She said she heard Taylor had been moved, and asked how he was doing. Right after that, I went straight down the hall to visit my baby. Each time I went to the NICU, I had to call in from the phone outside the door and they would unlock it for me. They also had the foaming hand sanitizer everywhere to use. I can’t even tell you how raw my hands and knuckles were from washing them over and over every day.

When I went in the NICU they told me that they were getting ready to move Taylor off the CPAP because he was doing better! That was great news. He had been wearing a hat to hold the tube in place, so he got the hat off. I was finally able to rub his fuzzy little head! At this point he was on high humidity oxygen instead. Oh, you don’t know how good it is to feel your baby’s head until you haven’t been able to.

I was also SO jealous of the moms who had babies in the regular nursery who weren’t even holding them. It really made me mad to see those cribs parked in the nursery. Some of them even had signs “only feed every three hours” or “no pacifier please.” I just wanted to scream at those moms and say, “You can hold your child whenever you want to! Don’t be so selfish!” but yet when Bailey was in the regular nursery I know I left her there so I could nap, etc. Funny how perspective changes.

Jonathon came up after lunch and we went back down together to see Taylor. At this point he still did not want to hold him. I think honestly he was intimidated by all the tubes and wires. He kept saying that it was more important for me to hold him but I think that was an excuse. Up until this point I had also been pumping at least every three hours all day and night. I think when you can’t be with your baby it feels like the only thing you can do to help… By that evening his nurse told me she thought he was ready to try a bottle feeding. They knew I planned to breastfeed but they said we had to start trying with the bottle first. He had been too sick to nurse after his birth (although we didn’t know then why he wouldn’t). So his first feeding was at about 34 hours old. They used a syringe to put pumped milk into just the nipple of a bottle and we got to hold it in his mouth. He drank it right away and we were so happy. They had warned us that a lot of preemies (they were calling him a “late preemie” since he was born between 34-37 weeks, although he was also technically full term but exhibited a lot of preemie characteristics…) can’t coordinate their sucking and swallowing yet so this was great news.

Saturday was the day I was supposed to go home. My day nurse was awesome, though. She told me first that I could stay through dinner and then came back later to tell me she had arranged for me to be discharged after dinner but keep my room for another day.

Sometime early afternoon on Saturday, Taylor got off his oxygen and moved to forced room air. Then later that day he got taken off that too! This was my first glimpse of him without his nasal cannula. I kept saying, “He looks like a regular baby now!”

His poor little face was so sore from all the tape, though.

Jonathon finally held him for the first time since he was admitted to the NICU!

That evening, Jonathon brought Bailey up for a visit. Our nurse Kathy did a great job hiding all his wires and everything inside the blankets. I didn’t know if she would be concerned or even notice them but we didn’t want him to look “sick.”

She also enjoyed playing “This Little Piggy” with his toes… so cute…

That evening, my parents came up to visit. I brought my mom in to see him and the nurse surprised me by asking if I wanted to try nursing! He did great. I couldn’t believe it, he latched on correctly with the first try and just ate. So unlike his sissy, who took DAYS to figure out how to eat. It was so frustrating with her… so easy with him.

Feb 24th Taylor’s First Ped Visit

Filed Under Breastfeeding, NICU, Newborn- Taylor, Pediatrician | 1 Comment

Taylor went to see his OWN pediatrician for the first time on February 24th. She hadn’t seen him in the hospital because the neonatologist was in charge of his care while he was there. There were mainly two things she was checking- his color (from the jaundice) and his weight. His weight was still at 6 lbs 4 oz (same as when he was discharged) and she said his color was okay but to keep an eye on it. We scheduled another visit for two days later.

He was not a huge fan of getting weighed. The scale doesn’t show his actual weight because it hadn’t gone back to zero before I put him on for the picture. Oops.

He was also not a fan of getting his Hep B shot. We delayed it and didn’t have it done in the hospital, so this was his first shot. Although he has had countless blood draws, IVs, heel sticks etc.

“Get me out of here, Mom!”

When we were discharged from the NICU they gave us a form titled “A letter to my doctor” which summarized everything Taylor had been diagnosed with and treated for in the hospital. Good thing we had this because they hadn’t faxed over his final paperwork yet so our pediatrician was a step behind! She had talked to the doctors several times during his stay but didn’t have the final report. Nothing in this report was a surprise to me at all… but I was so happy to see #4. Breastfeeds well! Finally, I have a child who is a good eater. Thank you, God.

Just thinking

Filed Under Being a Mom, Breastfeeding, Ten Months | Leave a Comment

After Bailey woke up from her nap we were laying in my bed together. We were side by side, facing each other. She was nursing, and her little legs were rubbing against my thighs as she wiggled. It made me think about her fitting inside my tummy. That seems like such an impossibility then… but back then, it seemed impossible to imagine her as a real baby. It’s just funny how our reality changes as life changes. And it’s almost impossible to remember how things were “before.” I know I was very happy and carefree before, but it’s strange to think that I could have been happy without her. She just seems such a part of my world- like a piece that completes me- and I don’t know what I did before. Then when she finished eating, we laid there and poked at each other and laughed and snuggled. Nothing could be better.

So I guess my ten month post sappiness just kicked in late. LOL

On another note, I would not mind getting some fitness equipment, seeing as I have not dragged my butt to the gym in like a month and this whole breastfeeding this just is NOT helping with weight loss like it’s supposed to. I am reminded of that when Bailey grabs my belly. Ick.

Sleeping Through the Night

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Milestones, Sleep, Toys | 4 Comments

I just realized I never posted the results of our crazy sleep training experiment. The reason I probably never posted? There was nothing to complain about. I am way too good about whining on my blog but not so good about posting normal blah kind of things.

It has been almost two weeks now, that Bailey has been sleeping through the night. The first night was a Friday. She went down like normal around 8:30 pm. I tried to give her that supplemental bottle at bedtime and make sure she was really full so that I would KNOW it wasn’t hunger when she woke up crying. The ped said that she didn’t physically need to eat during the night anymore. She woke up around 2:30 or 3, like normal. She cried louder when I didn’t go running in there. So I went in after like 10 minutes and just patted her and shushed at her. She wasn’t a big fan of that and yelled louder. About ten or fifteen minutes after that, it was Jonathon’s turn only he just stepped into her room and talked to her from near the doorway, I think. She yelled for about a half hour or so after that, and then fell asleep and slept until 8:30 a.m.

The next night, she woke up around the same time and fussed for about ten minutes. That is what she did for the next few nights, only at random different times and only for two or three minutes each time. Since then, I think she has only woken up during the night once in the past week. She doesn’t really cry- like mad cry- during the night when she wakes up. It’s more like she’s rolling around and fussing trying to get herself comfy again. I love that she can get herself back to sleep.

What’s it like getting a full, uninterrupted night’s sleep? I kind of take it for granted again. It already seems like so long ago that I was up four times a night. Sometimes I think I miss it. The other night before I went to bed, I went in her room and picked her up and held her in the rocking chair forever while she slept. It’s just about the only time I can get some serious snuggles from her now that she is so busy The only thing that sucks now, is that my boobs leak in the morning. I have been trying to pump before I go to bed around midnight, but the pump just doesn’t get ANYTHING anymore. My body never responded super well to pumping, so I think now that I am doing it only once every day or two it is even worse. I get like a half ounce, total, after about fifteen minutes. So most nights now I don’t even bother.

Bailey is now going to bed between 8 and 9 pm and waking up between 8 and 8:45 a.m. Except for this morning, she woke up at 7:30 screaming. I think that Jonathon went in her room to empty the diaper pail before he left for work, because today was trash day. I am going to question him about that when he gets home tonight. He is really obsessive about “collecting” all the trash on Thursday mornings. But he needs to stay out of her room, especially within the half hour or hour before she gets up, because she’s in a really light stage of sleep. I needed those extra few minutes I brought her into my bed and nursed her back to sleep for maybe a half hour.

Oooh, then my mom and I went to the toystore and I bought Bailey this for Christmas:

Not About the Milk

Filed Under Breastfeeding | 7 Comments

This is written by Diane Wiessinger, and we have read it several times at the nursing support group I go to. Not everything in the article applies to me, but I think it’s nice and decided to look it up online so I could share. Everything below is NOT written by me, but it sums up a lot of what I feel!

It’s Not Really About The Milk

©2000 Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC 136 Ellis Hollow Creek Road Ithaca, NY 14850

You won’t “get it” at first. At first it’s all about technique, and position, and time, and swallowing, and soreness, and feeling as if your whole world has narrowed to Feeding The Baby. Those of us who have enjoyed nursing our children are on the other side of a great emotional gulf from you. We can’t explain it, we can only try to help you across the bridge, to where you can see for yourself. If you stay caught up in this as a feeding method, you may never get all the way across the bridge. But oh, the view from the other side! At the least, you need to know it’s there.

Those of us who “got it” wouldn’t feel guilty if we were prevented from nursing our next child. We’d feel anguished. “Guilt” means you didn’t do something for someone else that you “should” have done whether or not you enjoyed it yourself. “Anguish” means great pain and grief, as if you’ve had a piece of yourself torn away.

I wish I could convey to you the simple, thought-less, vast, delicious pleasure of nursing my children. Once I “got it,” I didn’t “feed” them, didn’t worry about intervals, didn’t hold back. We nursed when they wanted and when I wanted – even just to keep them quiet while I was on the phone. At night, nursing was a quiet mending of the day’s disorders. Oh, not always, but as someone said, “Of course there’s an inconvenience to nursing. But there’s an inconvenience to being a mother.” Breastfeeding was a fundamental, essential connection for us, and made everything else – from newborn diapers to two-year-old tantrums – far, far simpler. Then there’s the ego-building experience of being the perfect center of another person’s universe.

Can you achieve the same bond through bottle-feeding? No. Remember that a breastfeeding mother is in a specific hormonal state. Her whole body responds to her baby in a way that a bottle-feeding mother’s or a baby-sitter’s or a father’s cannot. Her infant receives all his calories in a full-bodied, full-mouthed, skin-on-skin embrace, always from his beloved mother. Her older child comes to her to have growing pains of all kinds soothed simply in a way unique to breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is a newborn’s first relationship, designed to continue throughout a child’s early years. As a culture, we tell ourselves – without evidence – that the absence of this fundamental human relationship has no longterm implications for mother or child or family or society.

I have enjoyed our children at every stage so far – and they are now young adults. Their father and I felt as if we did no real parenting after the first ten years or so; we sat back and enjoyed them. This is unusual in America today. Is it partly related to our start in a long, luxurious breastfeeding relationship? I think so. And like every woman who has reached the other side of the bridge, I hope I can extend a hand back to help you across. The view is irreplaceable!

Bailey’s Birth Story: Part Three- The Truth About the Aftermath

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Doctor Stuff, Family, Newborn, Postpartum Depression, Sleep | 11 Comments

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am able to write about this. I feel like it’s behind me now, so I can deal with it, if that makes sense. I’m not writing this post so that people can say, “Oh, poor Tara, she really had it rough.” Like I said, it’s over and done with. My reason for writing this is so that you know how crazy your hormones can go after birth. I am so thankful for my friend’s story about her postpartum depression.

Statistically, I was not a candidate for postpartum depression. They told us about it in the childbirth classes. I have heard about it from friends. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and figured if I did have it a little bit, I would just force myself to “get over it.” I had a fairly easy pregnancy- I know I griped about swelling and stuff like that at the end, but no real complications. Bailey’s labor and delivery was great. My physical recovery was very easy. I didn’t have pain from the stitches, I didn’t need incontinence supplies, I didn’t have pain from the epidural.

The first time I put her to breast in the hospital, she did fine. After that, she would not latch on. Well, I should say she had a very lazy latch and the nurses kept pulling her off. This was very stressful for me. I have no idea if this was the beginning of me going downhill or not. I found myself crying a lot in the hospital. I was having a lot of trouble breastfeeding, and I was exhausted. I thought I really loved Bailey, but I just wasn’t sure what to do with her. And I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. I mean, come on, I have been around tons of babies before. But my own? Whole new ballgame. I became terrified of going home. The lactation nurse helped me make a breastfeeding plan. I felt like I was begging her to give me a shred of hope, and she did that. It involved supplementing with formula. If I had to do this over again, I would not go that route, but I think it’s what helped me make it through this time.

The first day or two we were at home were pretty good. We were adjusting to having a baby. Jonathon was very supportive. Bailey was (and still is) a very good baby. She liked to sleep, and she didn’t have to be rocked to sleep. However, the second day we were at home I had a breakdown. I confessed that I wasn’t sure if we had made the right decision about having a baby. (Bailey- if you ever read this- that was just my hormones, I promise!)

When Bailey was four days old, we left her with my parents and went to a wedding. I was convinced things were going to be good and easy. It would get better, right? We were capable of leaving the baby, getting a sitter, and going out in public. This baby thing couldn’t be too hard. But things got worse from there. I dreaded seeing anyone other than Jonathon and my mom, for some reason. People from church were bringing us meals and I didn’t know what to do when they came over. I would sit for hours in Bailey’s room and cry- about stuff like what if she died when she was a teenager, what if she went away to college and didn’t need me anymore, what if she liked Jonathon better, what if she grew up too fast and started preschool and I missed her. Not very rational.

It got worse. I was not able to eat anything. Literally, food made me gag. My mom had to sit with me and force feed me with a spoon (yeah, that’s embarrassing). Even ice cream and pizza were not appealing. And let me tell you, I’ve never been one to turn down food! I spent most of the time in my room, in the dark, sleeping. At first I thought I was just tired from having a new baby, but then I realized something was Really Wrong. Whenever I thought about Bailey, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that I wanted to love her, I really did… she was so cute, but I just couldn’t feel any attachment. It was really frustrating and depressing.

It got even worse. I couldn’t come out of my room. My memories of her newborn days are of me laying in bed crying. I would lay in bed and my heart would race. My mom and Jonathon and sometimes other people took care of her out in the living room. She had a lot of formula because I felt like throwing up when I had to feed her. Horrible anxiety, I think. Friends called, and I told them everything was great. I knew in my heart that I would never have another baby. I think I even told Jonathon that if he wanted another child, we were adopted a toddler. Any time Bailey cried, I ran out of my room and freaked out. I wanted to help, I didn’t know what to do, I cried, I felt like a failure as a mother. And she was such a good baby. I was unable to make decision about anything. My mind just wasn’t functioning. I felt like I was in this weird surreal haze.

I was really mental at this point. My mom gave me a bracelet with a heart on it (I’m sure some of you have seen it). I remember thinking that as long as I kept that bracelet on, I could cope. Jonathon kept trying to give Bailey bottles and letting me sleep. I was terrified, because I had wanted to breastfeed. She did not have a bath for the first two weeks of her life because I was scared to do that as well. We did not leave the house except to go to the pediatrician for her many weight checks. The pediatrician’s office made me sick to my stomach. You can tell by how pale I am in this picture that I wasn’t doing well. I was fake smiling, but I felt like a zombie.

Somewhere around two weeks old, Jonathon suggested again that we call the doctor. I did it. I remember I was crying and my hands were shaking as I talked to my OB. I kept telling her something was Really Wrong. She told me it was okay and it wasn’t my fault. She prescribed Zoloft and some anti-anxiety pills. I remember thinking that something had to get better or I couldn’t go on like this. Was I suicidal? Not sure. I don’t think I would have ever done anything like that, but I didn’t really want to live another sixty years in the dark of my bedroom.

After I started the medication, it got worse before it got better. My appetite continued to decrease. It’s amazing that I still kept on so much of that baby weight during this time I started having anxiety attacks. I remember laying in bed at night and waking up screaming. Jonathon called my mom several times to come over and help with me. Not the baby, me. I didn’t even care. I felt like when she was there, I could go on. When I was alone, I couldn’t cope. Apparently they had agreed not to leave me alone, but I didn’t know this. My mom took vacation from work to take care of me. After about a week on the Zoloft, I called my doctor and she switched me to Prozac. It’s amazing what that stuff does. I gradually got better. Within two weeks of starting that, my mom and I were going to the mall with Bailey, going out to lunch, and I felt capable of being a mother.

I stopped begging everyone to tell me it would get better. I knew it would. I am thankful that I had such good family to support me. I can’t say that I am thankful for my friends at that time, because I never told anyone what was going on until later. I didn’t want to look like a failure or like I was crazy. When Jonathon’s parents came in town, I hid in my room. I wish I could still hide from them in my room, to tell you the truth.

There are a lot of other scary parts that I did not write about here. I guess the main things I dealt with were sleeping all the time, then bouts of insomnia, then night terrors and anxiety, loss of appetite, panic attacks, feeling like a failure with Bailey, failing to bond with Bailey (or at least I felt like it even though I tried), feeling like I wanted to love her but wasn’t sure how I felt, being terrified of the baby… I just hope that anyone reading this will remember what I went through, so that if they ever experience anything like this, they will know to get help. Calling my OB was the best thing I have ever done. If you feel yourself starting to go down this road, please ask for help early on. Don’t wait to see if it gets better. Maybe it will, but this is no way to spend the first weeks of your baby’s life. I am thankful that it didn’t take longer for me to get better.

Um yeah… of course things are different

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Complaining, Daddy, Thoughts | 1 Comment

My dad is getting ready to go to Arizona for golf school. He has done this a few times before- golf is kind of his obsession. He goes by himself. You know, so he can focus on the golf. We have joked to him in the past that he should invest in some Arizona real estate for when he retires. My mom used to tell him that since he stayed in STL with her for so long, that they could go wherever they wanted to when he retired. Now with Bailey here, not so much.

Funny how babies change everything, even when you swear they won’t. I was crying the other night because I missed how my life used to be without Bailey- like sleeping late and leaving home at the spur of the moment, or making cards and not being interrupted by someone needing attention. Don’t get me wrong, I love her so much and wouldn’t trade this for anything, but sometimes I just want a break.

My dream would be for Jonathon to say, “Honey, why don’t you take a break one night this week and let me watch Bailey.” I mean, he’ll let me have a break IF I ASK or make plans and tell him he’s watching her. But it would be nice for him to offer.

Today at my nursing group, we were all talking about this. I know moms in general don’t get much of a break, but I think especially if you are breastfeeding- even if you’re away, you have to worry about the baby having bottles, or making sure you can pump or won’t leak… and lately we have the issue of Bailey being mad if she can’t nurse before bed, so now Jonathon hates putting her to sleep. Ug

This has gotten really rambly and complainy so I’m stopping. I don’t even know what I was trying to say, except that I was thinking about how much things have changed. Duhhhh

Booby Bonding

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Thoughts | 13 Comments

Someone today was saying that at a LLL meeting, someone posed this question: If you could only give breastmilk to your baby via bottles, and you could nurse your baby but only formula came out of your breasts, which would you do?

What do you think? I know what my answer would probably be.

Update- Bailey is 18 weeks old already!

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Chloe, Four Months, Sleep | 3 Comments

Bailey holds her head up so well lately. She has also gotten quite proficient at rolling over in the past few days. She loves to sleep on her tummy now. I still put her down on her back, but as soon as I put her down, she rolls over. She snuggles up to the side of the crib (always the same side, by the wall) and goes right to sleep. Also she really has figured out what to do with her toys now. She can hold onto them and put them in her mouth. If she drops them, she fusses until Mommy picks them up.

I thought this one was cute because I was playing with Bailey on my bed and Chloe came in to see what we were doing. This used to be where we would play with her and snuggle with her. She probably wanted to know why Bailey was getting all the attention…poor kitty. Anyway if you look closely in the background you can see Chloe watching.

Bailey loves to play with my shirts lately. This one especially, because of the strings. Here she had just finished nursing. But while she’s eating, she clutches the front of my shirt with her hand. She’s such a lovey.

This was Sunday before church. Bailey was wearing her necklace from her Great Grandma for the first time. I was trying to get a good picture of it but she was being kind of goofy.

Anyway, that’s about all around here lately. Jonathon and I are going on a little ice cream date tonight. Kind of– we’re bringing Bailey with us. I like to give her little tastes of the ice cream and Jonathon yells at me every time. By little tastes, I mean like a speck Then tomorrow night we are hosting my mom’s b-day dinner at our house. Saturday, we are both working childcare at church for a big training thing on Saturday morning. That will be some nice extra income!

Not mine anymore

Filed Under Breastfeeding | 3 Comments

Sometimes I wish my boobs could be mine for just a day. I mean not leaking, not too full, not being gnawed on… Right now they are just a bottle, a feeding machine. I wonder if they will ever be viewed the same way again. Too much time is spent dealing with them. Not that I am wanting to wean the Muffin anytime soon, but they would just like an afternoon off. Like a little holiday.