You Know You’re a Mom When…

Filed Under Being a Mom | 5 Comments

You take the diaper bag to the grocery store instead of your purse (even when the baby isn’t with you) because, well, ALL your stuff is in there and it’s just so much handier!

Updates- Five Months plus some

Filed Under Five Months, Food, Teething | 3 Comments

Trying to think what is new here…. mainly the food thing. Bailey has been doing rice cereal. She liked it a lot at first but now she isn’t a huge fan. She has also tried green beans (yay), squash (used to like it but now- ick), carrots (loves them) and applesauce (okay). She definitely has her likes and dislikes. She has also been playing with biter biscuits and seems to really enjoy those. She doesn’t really get anything off of them but I think it’s soothing for her gums. Yeah, because she’s definitely teething. I can feel lumps now under her gums.

She is also doing the raspberries a lot. She loves to spit and make noises with her mouth. Her babbling mostly consists of a mix of noises. She doesn’t seem to really “practice” any particular noise but just throws them all together into her own baby sentences. Then she looks at me, smiles, and waits for an answer. She is quite the conversationalist.

Also, she can sit up on her own for limited amounts of time. If she gets excited or reaches too far for something, she tips over.

Grant’s Farm Day

Filed Under Four Months, Outings, Slinging, St. Louis | 3 Comments

Our stupid camera is still gone… but here are some pics from my mom’s camera, taken on a recent Grant’s Farm trip with my mom and grandma.

Her eyes were watering from the wind on the tram ride…

So we decided to break out the cool sunglasses!

Bailey really seemed to notice the animals this time, compared to previous visits. It is so much fun to see how observant she is becoming.

Worn out from our big morning!

Look at that face

We stopped and took advantage of the two free drinks per guest. Thank you, Anheuser-Busch. We also got some snacks at their outdoor kitchen type area and sat and took a break. Sometimes I forgot how fast my grandma gets tired. It was nice that she was able to walk as much as she did, and that she could enjoy the park with us

Wordless Wednesday- Fun With a Sharpie

Filed Under Wordless Wednesday | 13 Comments

I got this in an email, and it made me laugh out loud. Hope you enjoy it too

Eff You, Motherhood Maternity

Filed Under Baby Gear, Shopping | 1 Comment

Oh, and by the way, I returned the recalled, lead-infested bib pictured in yesterday’s post. All the plasticky/vinyl bibs at Babies R Us have been recalled if they were that Koala Baby brand. Not sure how far back the recall goes, but when I went in today, they didn’t have any on their shelves at all. I got my whopping $3.99 back and spent it on a diaper bag.

If I had my camera, I would show you how cool the bag is. In fact, I have been stalking it at Motherhood. I went in one day and decided I wanted it, but I didn’t have my gift card with me so I decided to go back and get it the next day. It had JUST been sold, so they put me in the computer and said they would call me when it came in. Five days later, I hadn’t been called, but I was at the mall so I went in Motherhood. No diaper bag. I asked when they thought they would get it in, and this ditsy blond girl was like, “Oh, I totally just sold that bag this morning!”

Um, clearly they need to order more than ONE of this bag since people obviously want to buy it. And they need to USE their freaking computer system and call people who are waiting (im)patiently for something to come in.

By the way, it was $5 cheaper at BRU. I didn’t even think to look there, because I just thought it was a Motherhood thing. Screw Motherhood- for a variety of reasons.

Are You Kidding?

Filed Under Crafts, Shopping | Leave a Comment

I didn’t even think of this. I could have made invitations or announcements for Bailey’s dedication service. I never miss an opportunity to make cards. I use any excuse possible- but I didn’t think of that at all. I could have done something like this:

I have spent way too much time shopping online lately. Well, basically just window shopping. I have found the most random things- but also some great deals, like some cute jeans for Bailey that I am bidding on (eBay) and a pair of Robeez that were discontinued. I have become kind of an Etsy junkie lately too. I need to find a better hobby.

Errrrrrvvvvvvvvmt

Filed Under Five Months, Weight | 3 Comments

That is the sound that our camera has been making.

Best Buy has our digital camera. It’s the one thing we actually bought that stupid product protection plan on, and thank goodness. There is a little thing that slides across the front of the camera and that’s what makes it turn on and the lens come out. This thing is kind of dying a slow death… which results in the camera randomly turning off and closing mid-photo shoot. Ug. Also sometimes the screen decides to be black instead of showing me what I’m photographing.

So I have these pictures of Bailey from before we turned our camera in. The good news is, they said it would probably be easier for them to just replace instead of try to repair it. And since the camera is three years old, newer models have been made. Know what that means? New camera for Jonathon and Tara! Woo hoo! That cloud has a silver lining, I suppose.

Also, I joined a gym/community center today and I am looking forward to going to work out with my mom tomorrow. Her asthma has been acting up a little bit. Sometimes it is brought on by allergies, and other times by exercise. She has switched inhalers and meds a few times recently trying to get it straightened out. I hope she doesn’t get to the point of needing a pulse oximeter or nebulizer or something like that. But anyway now I am off track… I am seriously dieting. Well, not really since I’m BFing, but I am planning to eat better at least.

Anyway, I leave you with these old, but cute, pictures of my Muffin.

So I Hung My Head and Cried

Filed Under Chloe | 7 Comments

We had to give my cat away today. It was a sad day. I haven’t blogged about it at all because it’s just been too sad. I’ve known it was coming for a long time. Since Bailey was born, she started peeing and pooping randomly all over our downstairs. (Which thankfully is about to be recarpeted anyway!) We have tried everything to re-train her, the vet suggested a few things as well but they haven’t worked. She has been living in our laundry room for over a week now and she just breaks my heart crying in there, but if we let her out she is a little booger. And she does NOT like to go in her cat carrier- I have seriously thought about getting some sort of travelpro carrier for her!

So today Jonathon took her to the animal shelter. I tried all kinds of pet rescue groups and they were all full. Please pray that she gets adopted by someone without kids and can be happy there. I know we did all that we could, but it is just a sad way to end almost seven years together. *Sob*

Thursday 13- Favorite Smells

Filed Under Thursday Thirteen | 4 Comments

Tonight I wrote a thank you note to a friend for my birthday present- an awesome pumpkin candle holder and candle scented tea lights- and I started thinking about all the smellies that i love. So random.

1. pumpkin, obviously

2. roses- not like old lady rose perfume, like fresh roses that Jonathon brings me

3. Downy fabric softener

4. the storage room in the basement at my grandparents old house

5. cinnamon bun, hot chocolate, or any of my other Bath and Body Works lotions

6. Baby Magic lotion

7. Bailey’s baby breath (I think only a mom could understand this one!)

8. my husband’s deoderant

9. Ralph Lauren Blue perfume, which is what my mom wears

10. Estee Lauder Beautiful Sheer and Estee Lauder Pleasures, my two favorite perfumes

11. anything new from the store, if it’s been in a package- yeah this is a weird one too, but my parents got some new Samsonite Luggage and it smells so NEW

12. Sweet Pea, Plumeria, Sun Ripened Raspberry, Cherry Blossom (Bath and Body Works)

13. Rubber Cement

Hairbows

Filed Under Clothes, Crafts | 4 Comments

Has anyone made their own? I want to make some for Bailey- like ribbon on the alligator pinch clip type thing. How easy/hard is it? I want to start off with stuff like this:

And when she gets a little bigger I want to do some like this:

Five Months Old

Filed Under Church, Five Months, Food, Play, Sleep, Teething | 2 Comments

You turned five months old yesterday. It’s hard to imagine you as the little newborn I brought home from the hospital just five short months ago. Where is the time going?

This was a month of lots of accomplishments! You started rice cereal on August 21st and liked it from the beginning. After one messy feeding, you started swallowing it and opening your mouth for more. When you get excited about your food, you wave your arms. In fact, being excited in general makes you wave your arms. If you are laying on your back when this happens, you pound your hands against your tummy.

You just started vegetables on September 11th. Your first vegetable was green beans. You loved them- unless they were cold from being in the fridge! Then you made funny faces but still ate them anyway. Today we tried squash for the first time and that was a hit. If we are eating and you don’t have food, you’re not very happy. Especially if we are using spoons. Funny girl You just get solids once a day, though, and you have tried teething biscuit thingies twice.

You are still nursing A LOT and you are down to usually just four ounces of formula a day- at bedtime. You go to sleep around 8 and wake up about six or seven hours later for a snack and a cuddle, then again around 7-8 a.m. and then you get up for the day around 10. Although I would eventually like to cut out one of those feedings, I can’t complain. And that would just make you more grown up anyway

You are in the church nursery on Tuesday mornings for childcare during Women’s Bible Study. Last week was the first week and you did great. Mommy loves having another day to dress you up, too.

You are very talkative. Your babbling has progressed into chatter, and you make MMM and ba ba ba sounds now. Sometimes it also sounds like “Glooble ba mmmmm pfffft” and other random mixes of noises. You like to grab your feet, and just yesterday you started putting them in your mouth. During the night when you woke up, the feet of your pajamas were soaked because you had sucked on them. Your feet were freezing!

You continue to enjoy Baby Einstein videos. You just started watching Baby’s First Moves and you think it’s pretty exciting. Your favorite toy is still your LaMaze butterfly. We got links to attach it to your carseat. Also, you have used your stroller without the carseat in it a few times now. And we even tried the umbrella stroller one day in a pinch. You didn’t seem to mind.

I think last month you were already rolling both directions. You spin yourself around now too, when you’re on your back. Your feet and legs end up sticking out of your crib and getting stuck. You seem to be teething now, based on your intense need to bite down on my boobies and chew on everything in sight. I can feel little bumps on your gums, but I can’t see anything yet. You don’t really like to let me look in your mouth, either!

Anyway, that’s probably enough for one month. Stop growing up so fast! I love you so much. You are so much fun, and you are the sunshine in my day and you make me so happy. I always tell you, you are my little love.

Bailey’s Birth Story: Part Three- The Truth About the Aftermath

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Doctor Stuff, Family, Newborn, Postpartum Depression, Sleep | 11 Comments

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am able to write about this. I feel like it’s behind me now, so I can deal with it, if that makes sense. I’m not writing this post so that people can say, “Oh, poor Tara, she really had it rough.” Like I said, it’s over and done with. My reason for writing this is so that you know how crazy your hormones can go after birth. I am so thankful for my friend’s story about her postpartum depression.

Statistically, I was not a candidate for postpartum depression. They told us about it in the childbirth classes. I have heard about it from friends. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and figured if I did have it a little bit, I would just force myself to “get over it.” I had a fairly easy pregnancy- I know I griped about swelling and stuff like that at the end, but no real complications. Bailey’s labor and delivery was great. My physical recovery was very easy. I didn’t have pain from the stitches, I didn’t need incontinence supplies, I didn’t have pain from the epidural.

The first time I put her to breast in the hospital, she did fine. After that, she would not latch on. Well, I should say she had a very lazy latch and the nurses kept pulling her off. This was very stressful for me. I have no idea if this was the beginning of me going downhill or not. I found myself crying a lot in the hospital. I was having a lot of trouble breastfeeding, and I was exhausted. I thought I really loved Bailey, but I just wasn’t sure what to do with her. And I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. I mean, come on, I have been around tons of babies before. But my own? Whole new ballgame. I became terrified of going home. The lactation nurse helped me make a breastfeeding plan. I felt like I was begging her to give me a shred of hope, and she did that. It involved supplementing with formula. If I had to do this over again, I would not go that route, but I think it’s what helped me make it through this time.

The first day or two we were at home were pretty good. We were adjusting to having a baby. Jonathon was very supportive. Bailey was (and still is) a very good baby. She liked to sleep, and she didn’t have to be rocked to sleep. However, the second day we were at home I had a breakdown. I confessed that I wasn’t sure if we had made the right decision about having a baby. (Bailey- if you ever read this- that was just my hormones, I promise!)

When Bailey was four days old, we left her with my parents and went to a wedding. I was convinced things were going to be good and easy. It would get better, right? We were capable of leaving the baby, getting a sitter, and going out in public. This baby thing couldn’t be too hard. But things got worse from there. I dreaded seeing anyone other than Jonathon and my mom, for some reason. People from church were bringing us meals and I didn’t know what to do when they came over. I would sit for hours in Bailey’s room and cry- about stuff like what if she died when she was a teenager, what if she went away to college and didn’t need me anymore, what if she liked Jonathon better, what if she grew up too fast and started preschool and I missed her. Not very rational.

It got worse. I was not able to eat anything. Literally, food made me gag. My mom had to sit with me and force feed me with a spoon (yeah, that’s embarrassing). Even ice cream and pizza were not appealing. And let me tell you, I’ve never been one to turn down food! I spent most of the time in my room, in the dark, sleeping. At first I thought I was just tired from having a new baby, but then I realized something was Really Wrong. Whenever I thought about Bailey, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that I wanted to love her, I really did… she was so cute, but I just couldn’t feel any attachment. It was really frustrating and depressing.

It got even worse. I couldn’t come out of my room. My memories of her newborn days are of me laying in bed crying. I would lay in bed and my heart would race. My mom and Jonathon and sometimes other people took care of her out in the living room. She had a lot of formula because I felt like throwing up when I had to feed her. Horrible anxiety, I think. Friends called, and I told them everything was great. I knew in my heart that I would never have another baby. I think I even told Jonathon that if he wanted another child, we were adopted a toddler. Any time Bailey cried, I ran out of my room and freaked out. I wanted to help, I didn’t know what to do, I cried, I felt like a failure as a mother. And she was such a good baby. I was unable to make decision about anything. My mind just wasn’t functioning. I felt like I was in this weird surreal haze.

I was really mental at this point. My mom gave me a bracelet with a heart on it (I’m sure some of you have seen it). I remember thinking that as long as I kept that bracelet on, I could cope. Jonathon kept trying to give Bailey bottles and letting me sleep. I was terrified, because I had wanted to breastfeed. She did not have a bath for the first two weeks of her life because I was scared to do that as well. We did not leave the house except to go to the pediatrician for her many weight checks. The pediatrician’s office made me sick to my stomach. You can tell by how pale I am in this picture that I wasn’t doing well. I was fake smiling, but I felt like a zombie.

Somewhere around two weeks old, Jonathon suggested again that we call the doctor. I did it. I remember I was crying and my hands were shaking as I talked to my OB. I kept telling her something was Really Wrong. She told me it was okay and it wasn’t my fault. She prescribed Zoloft and some anti-anxiety pills. I remember thinking that something had to get better or I couldn’t go on like this. Was I suicidal? Not sure. I don’t think I would have ever done anything like that, but I didn’t really want to live another sixty years in the dark of my bedroom.

After I started the medication, it got worse before it got better. My appetite continued to decrease. It’s amazing that I still kept on so much of that baby weight during this time I started having anxiety attacks. I remember laying in bed at night and waking up screaming. Jonathon called my mom several times to come over and help with me. Not the baby, me. I didn’t even care. I felt like when she was there, I could go on. When I was alone, I couldn’t cope. Apparently they had agreed not to leave me alone, but I didn’t know this. My mom took vacation from work to take care of me. After about a week on the Zoloft, I called my doctor and she switched me to Prozac. It’s amazing what that stuff does. I gradually got better. Within two weeks of starting that, my mom and I were going to the mall with Bailey, going out to lunch, and I felt capable of being a mother.

I stopped begging everyone to tell me it would get better. I knew it would. I am thankful that I had such good family to support me. I can’t say that I am thankful for my friends at that time, because I never told anyone what was going on until later. I didn’t want to look like a failure or like I was crazy. When Jonathon’s parents came in town, I hid in my room. I wish I could still hide from them in my room, to tell you the truth.

There are a lot of other scary parts that I did not write about here. I guess the main things I dealt with were sleeping all the time, then bouts of insomnia, then night terrors and anxiety, loss of appetite, panic attacks, feeling like a failure with Bailey, failing to bond with Bailey (or at least I felt like it even though I tried), feeling like I wanted to love her but wasn’t sure how I felt, being terrified of the baby… I just hope that anyone reading this will remember what I went through, so that if they ever experience anything like this, they will know to get help. Calling my OB was the best thing I have ever done. If you feel yourself starting to go down this road, please ask for help early on. Don’t wait to see if it gets better. Maybe it will, but this is no way to spend the first weeks of your baby’s life. I am thankful that it didn’t take longer for me to get better.

You Say It’s Your Birthday

Filed Under Birthdays, Food, Shopping | 3 Comments

Today was my birthday. I am 27. We had a very fun day- Jonathon took the day off work to hang out with me and Bailey. We went to IHOP for breakfast and he gave me my gift- details later- then we went to the mall to pick up a diaper bag I wanted but it had been sold… so I’m on “the list” for it now

Tonight we had dinner with some friends at a Mexican restaurant and then we went to Ted Drewes so I could get The Great Pumpkin again. IT’s soooo good- if you like pumpkin pie and ice cream, you have to try it! It’s seasonal so I have to get my fill now! And my parents watched Bailey, so it was a nice, relaxing night!

Tomorrow we are having a garage sale at my friend Jen’s house. I hope we get rid of a lot of junk! Jonathon wants to use some of the money we make to invest in outdoor lighting. I just want to clear out some stuff from our house and I don’t care what happens after that

Um yeah… of course things are different

Filed Under Breastfeeding, Complaining, Daddy, Thoughts | 1 Comment

My dad is getting ready to go to Arizona for golf school. He has done this a few times before- golf is kind of his obsession. He goes by himself. You know, so he can focus on the golf. We have joked to him in the past that he should invest in some Arizona real estate for when he retires. My mom used to tell him that since he stayed in STL with her for so long, that they could go wherever they wanted to when he retired. Now with Bailey here, not so much.

Funny how babies change everything, even when you swear they won’t. I was crying the other night because I missed how my life used to be without Bailey- like sleeping late and leaving home at the spur of the moment, or making cards and not being interrupted by someone needing attention. Don’t get me wrong, I love her so much and wouldn’t trade this for anything, but sometimes I just want a break.

My dream would be for Jonathon to say, “Honey, why don’t you take a break one night this week and let me watch Bailey.” I mean, he’ll let me have a break IF I ASK or make plans and tell him he’s watching her. But it would be nice for him to offer.

Today at my nursing group, we were all talking about this. I know moms in general don’t get much of a break, but I think especially if you are breastfeeding- even if you’re away, you have to worry about the baby having bottles, or making sure you can pump or won’t leak… and lately we have the issue of Bailey being mad if she can’t nurse before bed, so now Jonathon hates putting her to sleep. Ug

This has gotten really rambly and complainy so I’m stopping. I don’t even know what I was trying to say, except that I was thinking about how much things have changed. Duhhhh

Wordless Wednesday- Baby Swing

Filed Under Four Months, Outings | 5 Comments

Today we met my friend Sarah and her baby Andrew at the park. It was Bailey’s first time in a swing (other than her baby swing)! She really liked it, but of course I didn’t get any pictures of her actually smiling